Yeah I'm fine is like a blanket you used to cover your self up with when you were scared.
Yeah I'm fine has become my save zone.
When I'm to embarrassed by my own self pity, it's my blanket.
When someone asks are you fine, all that comes to mind is "NO I WANT TO DIE" but all you lips say is yeah I'm fine.
" I'm always here for you" those words have become a lie that everyone who I've ever opened up to has said to me.
Look, where are you now.
Your not here, your there.
Glad you finally found an escape route from my pain you found yourself trapped in.
I texted you saying I needed someone to talk to, because frankly you did say you would "always be here"
But your words prove you to be a lie, when you snap back what is it now, like I'm not already saying that myself.
I can't stop thinking about the bottle of pills in my dresser drawer, the razor blade under my mattress, the bridge in the mid of winter with a lovely cold savior at the bottom.
But I can't tell you that's what I'm thinking about.
Hospitals aren't much fun, when your dad tells your mom he doesn't wanna visit you in the psych ward because he "just can't see his little girl like that"
Those words stick to you like chews gum on the bottom of your shoe, it gets in all the nicely polished leather, the money you waisted.
If only I wasn't supposed to be a nice polished leather shoe.
Or the most expensive watch that you just broke the glass to.
I'm sorry it hurts you to see my like this.
But what I'm not sorry for is how you don't have to wake up every day and stare at yourself in the mirror hating every inch of yourself.
The lie that I adore most is, I love you.
Said at the right time it can make anyone stop and think about not dying.
But when you put those extra two letters at the end of that word love, it turns into the thing that makes me reach for the drugs, the keys, the razor blade, the pill bottle.
Because one thing I know that will never leave my side if I hold on to tightly to it.
Are the things that can kill me quickly.
