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Thoughts Typed

She had joined a fandom a few months back and things were happy and all back then. But over time the fandom grew and bad things started to happen. People began leaving, getting reported and negativity sweeped through-tearing the family apart.

The girl blamed herself. The very first negative thing that happened she blamed herself for it. When the only involvement she had was trying to help stop the troll. Now the issues are bigger, she feels a weight on her shoulders.

Whenever she joined a fandom it was in that stage just before the idol exploded. Fandoms get bigger and negativity is inevitable. But she still felt it was her fault. What was she to do?

She knew she could talk to the people she called a second family. But they would tell her that it isn't her fault. No matter what, she'd still feel like it's her fault. It's not that she isn't listening, her brain just won't let her think otherwise. A trait she's always had. Why couldn't she be like others and not think this way?

It pains the girl how she feels like this and nothing can fix it. She longs to talk to someone but she can't. She'd get on a phone call and talk-but if she did all thoughts and topics would disappear and the awkward silence would overcome the call.

"It's all my fucking fault," the girl cursed in but a whisper.

"...and I cant even do anything about it."

She thought it'd be better to leave. Perhaps things would go back to normal. But even she knew that she couldn't leave. Fear of people thinking she wanted attention when in reality she wanted the family to be mended. What was she to do?

Even if she tried to leave she couldn't. The family that she had grown to love wouldn't let her. She couldn't leave them if she wanted to. She loved them too much. Even with the toxic thoughts they made her feel at home. They made her feel wanted in this cruel world.

The girl sighed as the tears fell.

"I'm sorry...it's all my fault"

Detach or Attach

Don't get attached. Don't eat attached. Don't get attached.

That's what the girl told herself. As she sat at her desk, trying to complete work, the families new puppy was whining at her door. She'd cursed herself many times for falling for the cute puppies tricks. She was already getting attached. But she reminded herself not to. For getting attached only meant heart ache in the end. Just like every other time. Every animal her family owned, always ended up somewhere else. Heaven, the streets, stolen, sold or runaway. The last animal they had was a male kitty-the colour of smoke. She decided to let herself get attached to him. But that was a bad decision. One day the kitty had disappeared and was no where to be seen. Months late and still nothing. It hurt the girl to walk past a certain place in her house that he would usually be there. She burst into tears almost every time. So, when her mum said they were getting another puppy, she wasn't too excited. Just another animal that'll eventually leave when her mum gets bored and annoyed at it.

Eventually, as the girl continued on with work, the puppy left the door. She felt sick. Not actually sick, but a deep guilt in her stomach that twisted and twirled around. She didn't want to do this, she wanted to hug the puppy and love it. But in the end she knew she'd get hurt.

Don't get attached.

Don't get attached.

Just don't.

Questions and Life

Her heart hung heavy in her chest. Her cheeks flushed red and her breathing hitched. Her eye's blurred as water droplets threatened to fall. But what could have caused this? She was alone after all. Sat at a desk with nothing but a laptop opened. She stared at the wall as a lump formed in her throat. How was she supposed to continue like this? She was going to make one of the biggest decisions of her life, at the age of 15. She was an emotional girl that could never decided; always scared of a choices outcome. She took a deep breath, trying her hardest to calm down. She was calm a few moments before-hand. An indication that she had moved from calm stress into break-down stress level. What did she want to do in life? What did she want her career to be? What does she want to study? She'd spent years trying to make her mother happy with what she chose to study. Suffering from the class consequences, as she found herself beyond bored and stressed. She vowed to go with what SHE wanted this time. But what did she want? Her mother once again spoke with her and try to convince her to choose what she wanted her to do. The girl knew her mother was only looking out for her, as she was once a teenager with dreams. But she didn't understand why her mum wouldn't help her try to achieve both realistic careers and dream careers. When she had tried to speak up, her mouth became dry and she lost all thought process. It's her mother after all, she can't tell her how to act as she had been alive longer. The girls head spun, questions whirling around her head about her future. She leaned back into the chair, focusing on her breathing. What did she want to do? The question had repeated itself in her mind so many times that if you were to look, it'd be burnt into the side of her brain. The girl found herself calming down, her breathing on some wonky track, her tears slowing to a stop. The lump in her throat remained-as it usually does. She sighed. Life was always too much for her. A fragile girl with a tough exterior. Over the years she had shown the world a much tougher version of herself. But even then she wasn't too tough, as she constantly found herself apologising for others problems and caring for strangers. She wished she knew what to do. But she didn't, and it hurt her. She was stuck on this looped roller coaster that never ended. Continuously, the roller coaster went in circles. When she thought she was good, she wasn't. She closed the laptop and looked at the wall. Whatever was to happen would happen. She can't change that. Her decision will be hard and she will probably regret it, but that's life. She understands life is like that, and it calms her. Decisions are hard, but without them, we would never get anywhere in life.