To all my friends and family that read my stories, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough to tell you how bad things were getting, I couldn't let you know.
I've been planning this for so long knowing this night would come, so why am I so scared? I can't stop shaking as I tie the rope over the beans we'd swing on together, now replacing a happy memory with a sad one. I couldn't bring myself to make a video like I'd planned and for some of my family as friends you follow me on here because we have no other way to keep and touch, I'll write my goodbyes to you all then start writing the others for those that I do see in person every day. So here are my goodbyes.
Ashton,
You're my bestie. You were the first person to actually reach out to me and understand all the pain of what I was going through, you were the only person I could trust. You always made sure everyone was okay and that we always had fun times together, we made so many good memories in the short amount of time we've known each other. You were the first person I ever told my name to, the first person I shared a genuine laugh with, the first person I'd ever trusted this much. You were so smiley and giggly when we talked yet through that smile I saw the pain and fear in your eyes.. you seemed exhausted and drained, yet when I asked you lied saying you were just tired. You were always there for me, so why wouldn't you let me be there for you too? You were the only person I'd ever said "I love you" to, the first person I'd ever given a nick name to, the first person I'd ever truly connected with. I'm sorry ashy boi.. this morning when I got that "good morning" text I'd grown so used to I wanted to tell you what I'd planned to do tonight but I couldn't. Tonight when you sent your "goodnight" text I wanted to tell you goodbye, one last I love you, but I couldn't. So I left you on read. I'd planned to respond but I couldn't bring myself to do it.. you were exhausted after what happened today and I didn't want to add on to it. You've been telling everyone you're fine but you're not. After getting hurt every day you somehow manage a smile and a laugh, I admire that. Promise me you'll talk to someone? I left you a gift in the hiding spot we discovered together last week, it's buried by the nubby tree we climbed while following a bird. I hope you find it. I love you ash and I'm so sorry I couldn't take anymore.. I want you to keep going for me though. Just because I didn't make it doesn't mean you should give up too, I want you to continue for me. Your journey isn't over yet. "Later skater."
Daniel,
We didn't talk much I don't even think we talked other than when ash was pushed off the roof or when he ghosted. Sorry for bothering you then, I just get worried. You probably do too, please take care of ash for me? Don't let anything else happen to him and just please don't let him blame himself. It's not his fault. Thank you.
Alec,
I'm sorry little bro. I know you were excited to visit for my birthday but your flight was canceled. I missed you a lot, I acted cool 'Cause I'm just like hella awesome. But the birthday party wasn't the same without my twin there with me. I didn't eat any of the cake, or open the presents, or blow out the candles, or anything. I was glad you messaged me though and let me know how everything was, it made my day so much better knowing that you're okay. Tell dad I'm sorry I love him even though he doesn't feel the same, Tell him I'm sorry. Alec, I want you to listen to me and believe me when I say it's not your fault. I love you so very much and I'll watch over you and make sure both bad ever happens to you. Don't hide your boyfriend from dad either, you guys are so heckin cute together. You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are and who you love, it'll only hurt you.. trust me. You were my best friend and the best little brother ever, I know I wasn't the best big brother and I'm so sorry for that but I want you to know I'm so sorry and I love you so very much. Promise me you'll keep making music, you're so good at it and so passionate it's beautiful and please don't ever stop. I mailed grandma your birthday present, she'll have it by tomorrow. I pinky promise.
I love you Alec.
Cola,
I know we were only friends because of ash but I appreciate you accepting me as a friend. I'm sorry I was always kinda dragging you and ash down, I was just in a bad spot in my life. Don't push Ashton off of anymore roofs, lol.
Keep making memories with him, go through with all the plans we made together and don't let that boy give up. You're an amazing person and an even better friend. Don't blame yourself, you had nothing to do with this. Your gift is hidden by the park under the big rock that fell off the little wall by the pathway we followed so much. Goodbye, cola.
Jasmine,
You were a great friend. You helped me out a lot more than I thought you would. Our friendship started out just because you were friends with my bother, I was surprised you actually kept talking to me for so long. You were really rad and I hope you stick around with my brother, you guys are good together. You balance out his crazy and he balances out your quietness, you guys are inseparable. Hold onto the friendship as long as you can, don't give up easily. You guys need each other, you're both better together. I hope things work out for you and that you get well soon. I hope you keep playing soccer, you love that game and you're so good at it. It'd be a shame if you didn't continue playing.
Goodbye, Jasmine.
