You were the beginning to my end. The antidote to my poison. The fix to my drug. The water to my drought. The sunshine to my rain. The forever to my always. You were my everything. And then you weren't.
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"I love you." You said those three words with no hesitation. You blurted them out with no remorse, but as our eyes locked I could see the trace of regret that lingered in your stare. The way you shook inside without even moving, you were nervous and I had you on edge as you awaited my answer.
"I-It's alright, y-you don't have to say it back," you assure me. "It's not that I don't want to, I–" I paused, thinking of an excuse. You gazed back at me with eyes full of hope and I didn't want to lie to you. I didn't want to lead you on—giving you a false hope that would never reach fruition. So instead of being honest with you or myself, for that matter, I told you what you wanted to hear. "I love you too." A smile so bright pierced your features as you pulled me close. The scent of you, made my mind wander to late nights of us. We had been together for as long as I could remember, all I had ever known was you. Maybe I did love you, or maybe I was in love with the thought of you.
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We had found a love in a hopeless place. I had never been too fond of the whole "love at first sight" thing, but with you things were different.
You were a shift in my atmosphere. Compared to everyone else, you were a breath of fresh air. A newfound light in my all too dark tunnel. When we met, I was on edge. I was practically drowning when you came to my rescue and pulled me to shore. You saw right through my cold, gritty exterior and you still loved me for who I was. That had been something I had always liked about you.
You had invited me over for dinner. I was meeting your parents for the first time and my nerves were completely frazzled. I was getting dressed when my phone started buzzing. I smiled absentmindedly when I saw it was you.
Be there in five. Don't worry, they'll love you.
And just like that, all my worries withered away, like time. I was putting on my coat when the honk of your horn, brought me to back to reality and I quickly glanced at the time.
6:52 PM
We were supposed to be meeting your parents at your place at seven, but I had been too busy overthinking everything that time practically slipped away from me. I checked the house one last time before I was heading towards your car. "Hey," I breathed out. You sensed the uneasiness within me and you reached over, squeezed my hand and gave me a knowing look. "Don't worry. They're not bad, I promise." I nodded, not meeting your eyes. My nerves were everywhere. And for once, your reassurance wasn't helping. You had tried everything, but it simply wasn't enough.
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Not that bad, you said. You had promised and reassured me that everything would be alright, but if I had only knew how wrong you'd be, I would've made a beeline for the door. But I cared for you and I didn't want to disappoint, so I stayed.
You had this effect on me. My life was boring until you waltzed in and made it your priority to show me how it felt to really live. Although, you were perfect, there were was one imperfection. One flaw, that made you human.
You had a problem. You were addicted to drugs, strung out even. I wanted to help, but I didn't know how. I didn't even know where to begin. "Let me help you," I said, pleading almost begging. You glared at me, tears welling up in your eyes. "B-but you can't," You cried. "You can't fix what's already broken." When you said that, my heart literally shattered. It broke my heart to know that you felt this way. As if drugs were your only escape, you were hurting yourself and I couldn't help. I had never felt more useless in my life.
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And this is where I leave you.
This is the part where I have to say goodbye. The part of our relationship that I always wanted to avoid, but I'm at my wits end. I was going to break up with you through text, but we'd been through way too much for me to do that. So I drove to your place, and waited at your door. "I'm coming," You answered. When you opened the door, I almost didn't recognize you. Your eyes were blazing red and your hair was a mess, you were strung out.
"Hi," You said happily. I took a deep breath, trying to build up enough courage to do this. "I-I have to tell you something, it's important." You nodded, moving to the side, you asked me if I wanted to come in, but I didn't answer. "So what is it? What's so important?" I closed my eyes and took a deep breath once again. "I can't do this anymore. I can keep watching you kill yourself, it makes me feel useless because I can't help you. I love you, I really do and I've always have. But if you don't stop this and get some help then I'll have to leave you." I could feel your eyes burning daggers into my skull. You were quiet for a minute but you finally said something. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry," You said. "But you can't make me choose. Your not going to like my decision."
I wasn't really shocked at your answer. I kind of seen this coming, but the realization didn't hit me until I heard you say it aloud. "After all we've been through, you're choosing drugs over us." You reached out towards me and I backed away. "Don't, just don't." In a moment of frustration, a tear slid down my cheek. I was angry, hurt even. "I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry." You cried, tears free falling down your cheeks. "I don't even know what to say." I gazed at you one last time before saying goodbye. I was going to miss you, everything about you before the drugs kicked in. The way your eyes light up when you get excited, the way you traced your fingertips along my chest late at night, the way you made me feel like I was the only thing that ever mattered to you and most of all, I was going to miss your smile. Your smile could literally light up a room and now it was just going to be a thing of the past.
"Please, can't we work this out?" You begged. I kept my eyes glued to the ground, I couldn't bare to look at you. As if you were reading my mind, "Look at me! Please, just look at me." I ignored your pleas and held my head down. "I can't. I can't look at you, not after everything, i-it's too hard." You bury your face into your palms and sobbed loudly.
Hug her, I thought to myself. And before I knew it, you were in my arms. "I need you. Please, don't leave me like everyone else," You cried into my shoulder. I didn't want to leave you, but this relationship wasn't healthy anymore. "I know, I don't want to do this but this isn't good for either of us." You pulled away and nodded, "Your right, I do need help and I'm so sorry for being so selfish, I was only thinking of myself and I never realized how much it affected you until now. I wish I could take it back, but I can't and I hope we can still be friends." Friends, I thought to myself. We both laughed softly, while wiping our tears away. "I'd like that but for now I'll just give you you're space." You pull me in into another tight embrace and we hug for a brief moment, then we bid our final goodbyes.
I climbed into my car and my heart begin to sink into the pit of my stomach. As I drove away, I could see her out my rear view, trying to process everything. Tears falling down her eyes and I wanted to turn back around, but I couldn't because I had to be strong. It was over, and my heart was broken. Our love was indescribable. Something out of this world. It's crazy how someone that meant everything to you can quickly mean nothing at all. In an instance, you were mine and then you weren't.
And this is where I leave you.
