Lost Puppy

‹ E P I L O G U E ›

The dream of my mother was more vivid this time than ever before.

She was searching again. Her brown hair drifted in the midnight breeze, sometimes obscuring her gentle brown eyes. Her gaze swept high and low and she never stayed in one spot for long. She drifted with the wind, floating through the trees like a long-forgotten memory. 

I followed her on four legs rather than two and on we went further into the depths of the forest. Not once did she look at me, her eyes simply passed over me. It kind of hurt that she only looked through me and never at me. She never acknowledged my presence yet despite that I was happy that I could see her at the very least.

After what felt like hours she finally stopped. For the first time since I started having this reoccurring dream, she spoke and she said, 

"Where are you, Kolbe? Where have you gone, little one?"

I jerked out of my sleep causing Beau's arms to constrict around me unconsciously. I felt calmer than ever strangely. I knew that before I could have my happily ever after there was one last thing I had to do.

I had to find my mother.

•••

Loneliness. The feeling of being all alone. Deserted. Abandoned. Lost. All of this and more. It was something I felt so acutely that it became a state of being. At some point, I didn't just feel lonely. I became the personification of the word. It was an all-encompassing emotion, it drowned out all the others. All except one, hope. I'd hope and pray with everything in me that someone, anyone would help me find my way out of this loneliness. 

Then Beau comes along and saves me from me. From the loneliness I'd become. Almost miraculously the world goes from cold and harsh to warm and wonderful. The hole where my heart was, the black abyss that had taken its place, was filled to brim with what I can only describe as relief. Yet at the same time, a hunger had been unleashed. The need for contact with another sentient being was all-consuming. So I fed. From Beau. And he provided all I needed and more, till I was full, till I was almost bursting out of my skin.

I found my home with Beau. I discovered pieces of myself that I would have never known existed until meeting him. Although I suppose that makes sense, he is the other half of my soul after all. 

It wasn't hard to realize all this but it hit me all at once like a truck speeding down a highway. In the end, I was never truly alone. It's not like I would have known otherwise but still. Knowing now mattered. Mattered almost more than anything. Throughout my entire life, there had always been one constant. My mother. She had never left me... but I had the feeling that I left her. It was tearing me up on the inside. Because I know what it feels like to be all alone and lost. Trapped.

That's why I'm determined to find her. I couldn't sense her before but I wasn't aware before. There were signs of her presence. During nights that it was too cold to even snow, I was warm, when the clouds covered the sun and rain drenched me to the bone I never felt a single drop. At night, when the stars were the only ones to keep me company, the soft sigh of her voice on the wind would sing me to sleep. She was there with me through it all and I know that she stayed. That night when Beau found me I think she lost me. I haven't felt her since. 

I was determined however to find her and tell her that I'm fine so she could finally rest peacefully. I was going to be okay. She just needed to know that. 

I looked over my shoulder to see how far I'd come. Beau's house was no longer in sight and the sun was a little lower than it had been when I left. Beau was at work and I planned to be back by the time he returned home. The air grew cooler, a gentle breeze ruffled my fur but I couldn't hear my mother's singing. I haven't gone far enough. I returned my gaze forward and continued on my way.