Weighted Love

Denial

9:00 am, time to get up for that class. At least, that's what someone else would do. Scarlett, on the other hand, lays in bed until her mum has to come yelling that she's going to miss her class. If only she could have it her way - not a single class, just lay in bed watching Netflix and eating snacks. Now that's what you call relaxing. Instead, here she was, trying to gather strength to get out of bed for uni before being late. Exams were just around the corner and she had to pass them in order for her to move onto the next year of study. 

As she made her way downstairs, grumbling and groaning about having to get up, she realised that this would be her life if she wanted to get that PhD in psychology. 

"Look who decided to wake up!" Scarlett rolled her eyes at her mum who loved to make snarky comments about her wellbeing. "I also signed us up for the gym up the road. We have our introductory session tomorrow at 3 pm. Please don't forget!" 

"WHAT??" Scarlett turned to her mother in disbelief. Out of all the things she could have signed her up for, it just had to be the gym. "Mum, I don't want to go to the gym. I don't need to go. Why didn't you ask me first?" 

"It will do you some good. You need to go and experience new things. It will be good for both of us. I knew if I had asked you, you would have said no" 

"There's a reason why I would have said no, I don't want to go"

"Just give it a go. You never know, you might end up enjoying it." She knew her mum was right, she always was, but Scarlett hated working out in front of other people, let alone a trainer who would judge her constantly. She didn't need to be told how to get fit or what to do. Sighing, she grabbed her coffee and keys and left the house, pushing the gym thought to the back of her mind. 

Sitting in class, her mind wandered back to the gym situation. She wondered what it would be like having a trainer, would they yell at her, would they not care? Where they just there for the money? Would she train with her mum, or by herself? Would other people judge her? All these thoughts made Scarlett anxious about tomorrow. How was she going to cope? She hated when people told her to do stuff, and she hated especially when people told her to lose weight. Losing weight for her was a battle. She was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome at the age of 14. Since then, it's been extremely difficult for her to lose weight, and easy for her to gain. As she finished high school. Scarlett started to worry less about her appearance and more on her school work and studies. She gave up trying to fix her weight issues, something she still hasn't worried about. Going to a private girls school, she was surrounded by body image issues and self-issues. Girls were constantly criticizing their own appearance, something Scarlett is guilty of as well. Being a 'bigger' girl in the year, she felt lonely, depressed and judged. As the years went by, girls started to get date. She would constantly hear about some girl getting a boyfriend or her other friend getting a girlfriend. The idea of dating at the age of 17 revolted Scarlett, however, she couldn't deny feeling a little bit jealous at all the stick thin girls who could eat and dress however they wanted. She always wondered why these girls, who were only bone, complained that they were fat, or they needed to lose weight or diet. It worried her that girls at such a young age had to worry about this. But, that's not to say that Scarlett didn't worry about those. Scarlett worried about body issues all the time. The way her stomach stuck out more than the other girls, or how she was a size 16 while the others were size 8. She worried about how her body looked in her uniform, or how she couldn't wear crop tops or shorts otherwise everything would show. Scarlett worried about everything a 17-year-old should not have to worry about. She hated the fact that her parents would hound her on everything she ate and when she ate and how much she ate. She hated it so much, she contemplated suicide. She thought about taking her own life because the stress of body issues drowned her daily thoughts. Now, Scarlett has moved past that. She learnt to thank her body instead of tearing it down, and she learnt to love her body for giving her a place to live. At teh age of 19, Scarlett was happy with herself. Ideally, she would like to lose weight but she was happy! But now, her mum signing her up for the gym brought back those thoughts. The fact that her mum couldn't love her body as she had learned to saddened her. Shaking those intrusive thoughts from her mind, she focused back on what was being said in class, a part of her life she loved! 

~ ~ ~ ~ 

Scarlett looked at the clock 2:25 pm. In 35 minutes she would have to walk into that gym and face a whole lot of judgemental faces. Faces she didn't want to see. Scarlett finally gave in to her mum and agreed to go, promising to keep an open and positive mind. As she slipped on her sports bra and then her shirt and tights, she looked at herself in the mirror. How did she let herself look like this? As much as she loved it, she knew it was no use trying to get a boyfriend. Guys only wanted skinny girls. She was not a skinny girl. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Scarlett thought about all the positives of her body; how it gave her a place to live, how she hasn't broken any bones, how she is blessed with the ability to create art on it. All these things made Scarlett feel good about herself and her body! It made her smile with comfort knowing that it was her body and no one could say anything about it. 

"Scarlett we will leave in 5 minutes. Please be ready." Her mum yelled from downstairs. 

"Ugh yep" 

In all honesty, Scarlett was not ready to face her fear, being confronted about her weight. She knew she had to stand on the scale in front of everyone and god knows what else they will make you do. Walking downstairs, she repeatedly told herself to be positive and keep an open mind. This may be good for her, who knows. 

"You ready to leave? There's traffic at this time." 

"Yep. Let's do this!" She gave her mum a big smile and headed to the car. She couldn't wait.