Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Van

"You told me you were gonna break it off with her..." he said, "cause of, cause of Em," he spoke a little quieter then, his tone lowering too. Eyes suddenly a little guilty for showing me up, but the others hadn't heard the why, only the what, and as they laughed and teased my heart sank because all I could think of was what it meant.

She'd listened to me break up with her and she'd said nothing. She'd not tried to call, she'd not tried to change my mind. She wasn't bothered.

"When did this start?" Bondy was smirking, watching me, almost smug, almost an I told you so.

"What the fuck?"

"I fucking knew somet was up when you started mouthin off to Andy on my behalf!" Grinned Benji rocking back in his chair.

"Well its nothin now is it..." I shrugged, struggling to see the funny side, struggling not to sulk, "she thinks I've broke up wi her and she hasn't said shit... she's obviously not arsed is she,"

I tapped my fingers on the rim of my cup agitated, a little angsty and Larry rolled his eyes further into the back of his head.

"How would you know if she's tried call yous?" Smirked Bob, "you haven't got a fucking phone anymore..."

"She coulda called one of yous..." I tried to argue but the moment the words had slipped from my tongue I realised how stupid I sounded.

"She's not clapped Van," chuckled Bondy, "shes hardly about to go all Comfort of Strangers on yous and start watching yous from a boat on the mersey,"

"Well, what about Kitty, Blakes has Kitty mentioned owt?" I threw my hands up into the air, I was pissed off but only with myself. "Theres loads she coulda done, facebook or twitter you know... its not like its the fuckin 60s is it,"

"Well you haven't done any of those things have you?"

"I didn't know I needed!"

"She doesnt know you want her to!" Larry pulled a face, spoke slower, spoke down to me, and I could do nothing but groan, hide my head in my arms, inconsolable.

"You've gotta call her man," sighed Bondy, a smile still threatening to break a grin, and then he let out a little laugh. "I can't believe you kept it a fuckin secret, jesus la," he chuckled.

"Melodramatic to the core our Van," grinned Blakes.

"Sly fucker," teased larry leaning over to pinch my cheek. I wriggled away, swatted at his hand.

"Shady fucker," nodded Bondy.

"Fuckkkk offffff," I mumbled fighting back, making them laugh a little more of their hangovers off onto my shoulders, to weigh me down. I forced myself to sit up again, grumbling away to myself as I chewed my lip, started rolling a cig preoccupied and clumsy. "Shes meant be staying here next week... an am meant be going her sisters fuckin wedding after that!"

"Well, not if youre not her boy toy ey," winked Larry only trying to wind me up in the lighthearted way he knew how, but this ran deeper than he thought.

"Van..." started Bondy then, all questioning and curious, like he was about to ask me something meaningless, something he'd just been wondering amidst his serious thoughts.

"What?" I drawled, barely looking him in the eye, my grey expression saying everything I didn't.

"Why the fuck were you breaking up with her?" He asked then and I felt my lungs constrict, my heart ache, my blood run colder than it should have as I tried to picture myself standing in the middle of the road, telling her it was over.

The memory was strange, impersonal. Like I wasn't watching me, but watching someone who looked similar to me, lead a totally separate life. They shared my features, my messy windswept hair, my drunken slur, my drunken gate, but I couldn't relate. I couldn't feel the way they were feeling as they slurred into the receiver and failed to see the oncoming traffic.

"I don't fucking know," I shrugged but Blakes shook his head.

"No," he said, grave look in his eyes. "It was Em, she's the last person you spoke to before you left and yous were sound before you saw her..."

"Yeah well..." I tried to shrug him off, I wasn't sure I could handle this level of personally attacked when my head was as fucked and fragile as it was.

"Van mate, you're not still fucked up on Em, you're over that and you know it... you an Fliss are fuckin class together, she does you the world of good..."

"You sound like my mum," I smirked trying not to let his words relight the love I felt for her, the happiness I felt when I thought about how he was right, how we were perfect for each other.

"Aye hes right though," nodded bob sipping his coffee slowly, "and thats coming from someone who only just found out you were a thing..."

"The hottest item in Llanny D," mused Bondy without a hint of irony.

"Yeah well, she's not arsed is she, its nothing now," I shrugged them off again, standing abruptly, hands shoved in my pockets. "Am off lads, me heads fucked," I announced turning away.

As the rain stained glass swung shut behind me I heard them shouting after me, telling me to call her and though I knew they were right there was something, someone at the back of my mind telling me otherwise.

So I went home, ignored my mother and crawled into bed, covers pulled over my head so that I might sleep until it all went away.

But it wouldn't go away, and I didn't make the call that I so desperately needed to make, and as the days dragged on I felt myself sinking once again. The inkling of a bad decision ever present on my brain. The taste of my worst mistake always lingering on the back of my tongue. Not even cigarettes and smoke could take that taste away.