The Best Way To Forfeit Your Heart

'I'm in a happy place,' I thought wearily. I couldn't believe the way it finally worked out. All of that work, leading the group through the bush, rescuing the family from the fire caused by the rogue bullets, led to this.

I let my eyes wander as I waited for it to happen. At least this way it was my fault, not theirs. They couldn't crow and say 'ha ha, we win'. This way I forfeit, no one wins. I sighed happily. This is the way it should be. No one should be able to walk away from these kinds of things as a winner, or even a loser so really I'm doing the right thing. Oh, of course I'd have wanted it to work out differently, but this was my happy medium. It was neither my Hell nor Heaven. I didn't mind.

The piercing sound of a shot rang through my ears, but I couldn't tell whether it was a real sound or a memory. I didn't care. I had done all I could. India was safe, I couldn't really ask for more than that. It was selfish any other way.

I heard footsteps traipsing through the thick bush that surrounded me, and though they sounded closer than they'd ever been, I was relaxed. I was hidden. I decided that the shot had been real, but it had sounded desperate, as if they were just firing from frustration. There was no way they could find me - in time for them to win at least.

The leaves tickled my face, and I got angry with myself, for at a time like this, I was petty enough to think that it was annoying. I'd been annoyed before, heck, I'd even been annoying; especially to those people out there. I almost laughed, another thing that haunts me. Why was I laughing when everything was almost right, just in the balance of right and wrong?

The gruff sounds of their searching blended into each other, and pretty soon I could no longer discern the separate sounds. I knew then that it was happening. Every bone in my body ached but I didn't care. I ignored it for a while, but then rethought. I decided to wallow in my pain, show them that I was bigger than them. No longer was it a dull ache; it ripped through every spot in my spleen. It prickled, it burned, it screamed. I almost screamed too, but I stopped myself in time.

Now I wanted it to come. It was time now; I was in too much agony to go proudly. I thought of an old analogy though and it strengthened my resolve.

'The most important thing about bravery is this ¬- It's not about not being scared - it's about being scared and doing it anyway - that's bravery.'

I thought about that quote for a long time, longer than I'm proud of to be frank, and I decided that it was right. I decided, even though no one would ever know what pain I was going through now, I would be brave and do it for myself, even though I was scared. That made me feel slightly better about what was happening at least.

I couldn't hear the noise anymore, whether that was just me, or they weren't there I wasn't sure, but it was a good sign nonetheless. Either I was almost there, or they're given up, both theories good news for me.

A slight buzzing began, right in the middle of my head. I shook my head quietly to try and get rid of it but it just obstinately just got louder and louder. It made my head woozy and my eyes hurt. My eyesight was dimming and what was left was blurry. I closed my eyes now and decided I was through with trying to be brave, who cared? It was just stupidity trying to make that amount of agony prolong into a piece of pride. I was drifting, and my breathing was shallow. Every breath was a battle, and eventually I just tried holding it to make it end faster, but my brain cottoned on pretty fast and made me breathe, making it hurt even more than before. Most of all, above all of the pain and worry, I was bored. Sadly, I had prepared for this in a kind of way, and I was bored of this momentous event. It reminded me of a time before all of this. I was at my sister's wedding, and I was in the bridal party for her husband. It was one of the most beautiful special times of my life, and I had been praying for it to end, for the minister to finish because I was bored. Maybe that was why her marriage didn't last. Maybe that was a synopsis of my life. How I longed for a time like that again, just once more.

I finally realised that this scattered thinking was the last haul, the last part. It was my end, the insanity setting in. I knew it would come eventually and here it came. I welcomed it with open arms and settled down peacefully for my own death.

Then came the worst sound in the whole world. My own personal demon. It made me stir. It was sobbing. Recognisable sobbing.

"Lewis." The sound pierced my ears. I would know that voice anywhere. It had come to a place of horrible danger just to find me. I panicked. It was so...lonely. I couldn't help it. My life, my whole life, India, had come to find me. She'd risked her own life and I realised with a sudden jolt that this wasn't a forfeit. This was stupidity. Without me India would give up, and in doing that she would die in turn. That, in anyone's book had to be a loss. I had been stupid. Any place where I was without India wasn't a happy medium. It was my Hell. This thought ripped through me, giving me one last burst of life.

"Lewis," India sobbed. "I know you're here. Lewis, Lew, come here. Please." I couldn't ignore her anymore. Wasting all of my gallant efforts of the whole day, wasting all of that agony, I moved. It was even worse than I thought it would be, but truly, I would do it over and again, just to have one more hour with India.

"Indy," I called weakly, though it was the most I could muster. She heard it though and all of a sudden this crashing deafened me. I didn't know whether she was a figment of my imagination or not, but it was the most fulfilling, most happiest thing in my life. Her.

She appeared to my right, tears streaming down her face, and her hair sticking to her head from sweat. The worst part though was when she saw me her expression turned to horror, like she'd seen a corpse, and I began to doubt everything.