Thoughts.

.

Look at me, im back, writing a story about my thoughts, but not just any thoughts my suicidal ones. Who knew I would turn out like this, I went from a jolly, outgoing boy to a depressed shut in who doesn't want to communicate with anyone anymore. Every action, every word now affects how I think.
"Look at you, you never improve. You just keep making mistakes. You ruin everything. No one likes you now."
The thing is...I gave in into those thoughts.
...
I came to dislike...no...I came to HATE every part of my self both inside and out.
I hate the shape of my head.
I hate the shape of my body.
I hate my facial features.
I hate my noddle arms.
I hate my thoughts.
I hate my organs.
Now don't get me wrong, I did try to put in effort to improve my features. I did go to the gym to work out but only lasted a few weeks.
I'm now in debt with Fitness Connection.
A few years have now passed yet I'm still in hate still in denial that I have potential, have talent.
From 6th grade to where I am now, 11th grade. I have, what I call a non- official job. I promised to myself the moment I turned 16 I would start working. I failed, like always. I was to shy for interviews and I was afraid of rejection.
The only thing I accomplished all those years, is that I got a girlfriend. Yes, I'm surprised as well. I love her, a love her a lot that you could say it's too much. I was single for years and I knew I was vulnerable to love. I was greatly aware with how I was mentally, could affect how I would take a break up. Meaning I would build enough hate to finally end it. I told her about my situation. She cares....yea...she cares. It feels nice...but now it feels like I'm in her debt or that I'm putting too much on her.
I mentioned that I am now an 11th grader. One more year then after that I'll graduate...if I pass.
I constantly get asked if I'm going to college or which one am I going too. I say none or no. I'm struggling in school as we speak, I don't think I would make it in college. I'm too stupid. Too dumb. I can prove it by revising this story, but I'm too lazy to do so.
I can't figure out what I'm good at in school.
Literature: X
Art: X
Welding: X
Debate: HELL NO
Choir: X
Math: ...you're joking
And so forth.
I am coming to a conclusion that I am useless. Worthless to my family. Irrelevant to our future.
It hurts.