Nineteen - To Feel

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What is to feel?
To know what is right from what is wrong?
To defend something hoping that you can know what a certain emotion is?

A blank slate cannot feel.
Yet you feel like a blank slate.
How does that even make sense?
If you were a blank slate, you wouldn't be feeling like a blank slate.

You feel like you cannot feel.
Like all you feel is sadness and anger.
Is that all you are?
Is that all you think you are?

You say you love, yet you feel as if you don't. There aren't any sparks, any shivers or any warm fuzzy feelings.

You say you love, but it is just a dream that you have each night, hoping that it comes true?

You see your life as if it is just dull words on a fragile page. You long for something else, you long to feel something, but you are too scared to turn the page.

Scared that it will tear and you will lose everything you love, or everything you think you love.

Maybe you don't love, maybe you've just grown accustomed.

My heart may stop at any moment and as my body lies in its wooden box, ready to be covered with earth, would you cry because you lost a loved one?

Or would you cry because a part of your life that you've grown accustomed to has been removed?

For those like me, to feel is to feel blank. To feel empty, to feel like the shell of a human being.

To doubt everything you've ever felt and everything you are feeling.

And the sad part is, no one knows how you feel and you wonder if they feel the same way you do.

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