Scintilla

On The Closet Floor

Tbh I don't really know what I'm supposed to write
Maybe just pouring my thoughts out would help shed a little light
Onto how broken I've become.
Maybe it'll help me see the shell that I've become.

My friends keep telling me I've been hard to reach lately
But tbh I've just been finding it hard to breathe lately
I know I should get outta bed
And I know I should pick up the phone,
But how the hell am I supposed to do this all alone?
This shit ain't fucking easy you know?
They say they're always here for me but it don't help that I feel so fucking alone.
Idk what to do anymore
Idk what to really look for.

Why am I here?
Why do I breathe?
Isn't it hard enough already I can't fucking sleep?
Why do I live?
Why can't I die?
Why is it so fucking hard to stay alive?
Idk what to do anymore
Idk what to really look for.

I'm such a goddamn mess
It doesn't help that's it's all inside my head
Are these voices even real
Or are they just one more thing I gotta heal?
I'm so fucking tired of this shit
I don't wanna be caught up in all of this
All these meds I'm taking?
They don't help for shit
All they really did was make me lose my shit.

Idk what to do anymore
Idk what I'm really fighting for
I don't even think I'm living for me anymore
I think it's for my mom and my sister
Yeah those two are like my mentors
And I'm trying to stay strong for them I really am
But I don't want to hold on I know I can't
Yeah I don't think I can keep death at bay
Not when she keeps getting closer and closer every day.

Why am I here?
Why do I breathe?
Isn't it hard enough already I can't fucking sleep?
Why do I live?
Why can't I die?
Why is it so fucking hard to stay alive?
Idk what to do anymore
Idk what to really look for.

It's like death keeps knocking on every door.
And tbh death tastes so sweet tonight
I just want to take a little bite.
So to everyone I care for
I want y'all to know
It's not cause of you I'm not around no more

I want my mom to know
I love her, I swear to god, you know?
And to my sister?
God she made living easier for sure .
And I want my best friend to realize
I was never really happy when I was alive
And I want my man to know
All I want is the best for him you know?

So I'm sorry
To everyone I let down
And I'm sorry
To everyone I hurt
I just can't keep going on like this you know?
I'm sorry but I can't keep going like this no more.
Life just had to stab me in the throat.

And now looking back I realize
I shouldn't be here
I don't want to breathe
Not when I can't even get some sleep
I don't need to live
I just want to die
There ain't no point in staying alive
I know what to do now
I know where to look.

All I need is a long piece of rope.

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A/N: No this is not my suicide note. I just needed to get this off my chest. If you ever feel as though you are about to hurt yourself or want to put yourself in Harms way please contact this number immediately—

1-800-273-8255.