Dec.21-22, 2018. It's been about three days since Kat and I broke up. I'm distracting myself but I still feel empty inside. Lots of unpleasant thoughts cross my mind, and all of them are self-directed. I'm doing my best to keep my chin up and stay hopeful for the future, but nothing seems to bring a smile to my face anymore, not a real smile anyways. So I lay here, 1:38 AM, and I type. Nothing is working, and my stomach is starting to turn at the thoughts running amok in my head. Dad's in the hospital, a bloodclot in his lungs and pnuemonia keeping him there, Mom and grandma in Georgia visiting Greg, and Boo and Grandpa as reserved as usual. No one really tries to talk to me, no one except the guys on xbox. I streamed a while tonight hoping it would help, but I found myself envying the dead of every game I played. Things don't look good, but I'm hopeful that it'll change. Made myself laugh at least once though. And no it wasn't a psychopathic laugh. I need a break from life. Can I just be put in a coma for a few weeks? Get food poisoning and slim down? Something to make a change in this shitty part of my life? I want this to change. I've been waiting three years for things to get better. Nothing has. If anything, shit has just gotten worse. Now not only are my friends leaving me, but the love of my life left me too. Unless I can do something to win her back, I don't know if I'll ever find anyone anytime soon. I'm feeling more and more self conscious as the days pass. My acne, minimal as it may be, bugs me to no extent. I feel like I'm too fat everytime I sit down. I just feel like someone took a stamp that says 'No Good' on it, and stamped my entire face with it multiple times. At this point, not much would make me smile.
