TO: whoever you think you are
11:10 pm
24 aug 2018
you broke up with me two days ago. "i just don't think we're right for each other, but i've enjoyed the time that i was your boyfriend." that's what you said to me. all was okay, because break ups happen. and then, i saw you holding hands with her today. two days.
i want to know how long i was lied to. i want to know when you decided to continue telling me you loved me even though you obviously didn't. i've asked your friends what they knew. they said nothing. you couldn't tell them that you were cheating?
your little brother is so sweet, i'll miss him, probably more than i'll miss you. but here's the thing. i'm going to explain to you what love is, because obviously you don't know.
love is consciously giving a piece of your heart to someone you would genuinely trust with your life. you can't ever get that piece of your heart, or that trust, back.
you were my first, everything. first love. first kiss. first boyfriend. first heartbreak. all of that is tainted now. when my daughter asks me what my first love was like, i can't tell her that it was magical the whole time, and that we simply fell out of love as you sometimes do. what you did to me, hurts. it burns. it feels like my heart is pounding and turning inside my stomach. i cried over you twice. i don't cry. i wasted tears on a boy who could be bothered less about my feelings because he felt that we "weren't right for each other".
when did it happen? when did you meet her? when did you start talking to her? did she know that you had a girlfriend, or did you decide that lying twice was the better option? why didn't you tell me when it happened? why didn't you say "im sorry, but there's another girl" when you broke up with me? why did you pretend? why did you have to make me feel stupid and ignorant and naïve? how have you not apologized to me yet? you know i know. i know that. if you can't tell your friends about it, that should be a red flag.
i trusted you. i loved you. and unfortunately, i still love you. it's different now though. i don't want to see your face, or i might be sick. i can't talk about you without feeling like i have the flu. i was taken advantage of. you took advantage of me. i was lied to. you lied to me. i was hurt. you hurt me. i don't think you realize what you did to me, and you never will. because you are so caught up in your world, that you can't see out of the atmosphere you've built around yourself. you can't see my world crashing around me, or the oceans i've cried into existence. you can't see the thunderstorms filled with anger. you refuse to see how misshapen you've made me.
it rained last night, thats a rarity here. i thought of you. you probably thought of her.
i can't stop thinking about how you could do this. you hugged me the day you broke up with me. you told me you loved me the day before. and now you wear it like a badge. "i broke up with her", says your dull nameplate. it looks as if it been used before. and just engraved over. nobody pays attention to it, and those that do tell you to take it off, ask you who you think you are. mines on my back, a little less noticeable, but shiny and brand new. "he broke me." few people see how much you truly fractured me. four people total right now. three of which are your friends. all three were as dumbfounded and i was.
i guess when one is as scared as you are of rejection and change, it leads to extreme measures.
but here's the thing. you may love her more than you did me, and that's fine. but she won't see that you are introverted, but don't like to act it. she won't know that tommy is the reason you started wrestling. she won't realize that you hate to be in uncomfortable situations, where you don't know a lot of people. she won't know that jake is so sweet, because she'll take your word for it. she won't know about tommy and sydney, and she probably won't be friends with your friends. you might love her more than you loved me. and thats fine.
because after all, loving someone is giving them a piece of your heart, simply as a sample, and heartbreak is watching them throw it into the trash can right behind you.
