Herbs & Burns ♤ jojian+maxian ✘

four//mistakes

I hate it, why can't I just get something right? Why is it so fucking difficult all of a sudden. Before I know it I'm throwing my pencil across the room. I'm too tired to go get it. Every time I try to write it's always about him. It's not even good, it's all terrible. I hate it all, I hate that I can't get over him, I hate that he's gone. I wipe the tears from my eyes and just sit quietly. I need to move on but it's so hard. Even music hasn't been helping me, I'm just too depressed. I'm depressed, yeah should've guessed. I'm alone and sad, fuck I would kill just to have him in the same room right now. Is that bad? Probably. I'm not sure right now, I'm tired of things. I want a break from reality, from life. That's not going to happen though so I'll have to keep going. Keep going, head up, even when I'm crying. It'll be okay eventually. Right? Yes. Yes it will be, positive thoughts. That verse wasn't too bad actually, I could use it. With a sigh I get up and retrieve my pencil before sitting back down on my bed. This one could work, maybe go with this other one. That sounds good, yeah. A song about him might not be the worst idea, really. It should be upbeat though, happy almost. That sounds good, I'm going to do it.

"I wish I didn't have to care about anyone," I don't bother stopping the soft chuckle that falls past my lips.

I should've known better. I should've cared about him more, treat him like the wonderful human he is. Now I know better at least, it's something. It feels good to be positive, I see what Ian meant. Keeping your head up while still wanting to die. Still doesn't make sense but it's him, it doesn't have to. I wanna die when he's not by my side but fuck it. I'm gonna enjoy my time while it's here. At this point I might as well just ask for his forgiveness, got nothing else really. At least I'll get to see his face again, maybe even his perfect smile. Probably not, he won't smile at me now. He might smile at someone else though. Yeah, that's it. I'm taking a shower and being somewhat productive, I'm fucking tired of doing nothing and sulking in my own filth. It seems like a blur almost as I'm buttoning up my shirt and hoping into some jeans. In my rush I almost forget my things, having to rush back to my bedroom. Phone, keys, wallet, money and cards; check. Fumbling with my keys I lock the door behind me. Wait, I pause in my tracks for a minute. Where would've he gone? There's no way he'd really tell me. A friends probably, well I hope. Knowing Ian he'd hate "wasting" money on a hotel or something like that. God but who? Chad? No no, maybe- Max! Yes Max! Where's his number, come on.

"George?" Max's voice is confused and groggy, the name makes me cringe slightly.

"Hey, Max. Could I come over for a bit?" I mange to sound casual, thankfully my nervousness not showing.

"I don't know, man," Max hesitates, "well if you come now I could do an hour."

"Sounds good, I'll be there soon," my face slowly starts to strain from the large smile I can't wipe off my face.

It only takes about 10 minutes to get to Max's apartment. Thankfully he lives pretty close, Ian didn't want to live too far away from him. They've been best friends for a long ass time after all. Can't believe that wasn't my first guess on where he went. It's obvious Max would let him stay with him for as long as he needs. This is actually happening, fuck reality is setting in. I'm nervous, I gotta try though. I should've prepared myself, no going back now though. I guess Max still works late shifts like Ian. It's easy to tell by the way he sounded like I woke him up when it's already a little past noon. It reminds me of how when I'd wake up I'd always find Ian in the kitchen making me breakfast. We'd talk while I eat, him sometimes joining me in eating, then he'd have to sleep. I remember singing him to sleep each morning with my hand in his hair. He's always had so much trouble sleeping, which is why he started working night shifts. On the rare occasion I couldn't sleep I'd always go visit him at work for a bit. It's not fair how he can make me relax so quick and easily. Nothings fair with him, I love everything he does and I hate it.

"Hey, come on in," Max's voice startled me since I forgot I was waiting at the door.

"Hey Max, it's been a while," I can't tell if the nervous edge to my words is still there.

"Yeah, so what's up?" Max raises an eyebrow as we sit on the couch, facing each other.

"Oh, well, uh," I didn't think this far ahead, "I was wondering if Ian is here."

"Why here? Wouldn't he be with you?" Max asks.

"Oh, please knock it off. You know what's happened," I groan softly.

"Yeah, fine. Why do you think you have the right to be here asking for him?" Max glares at me, making me shift uncomfortably.

"I just wanted to apologize, try to make sense of things? Fuck, I don't know I just really want to see him again."

"You think just apologizing will make up for what you did? You treated him like nothing half the time. You used him for sex and even then CHEATED on him!" Max's loud behavior is normal, but this is worse. He's pissed.

"I know it won't fix things, just please I want to talk to him. I know I was being a shitty boyfriend and I don't deserve to have him back, I just want to talk to him," I hate the pure beg of my voice but I can't help it.

"I was going to give you a chance to talk to me. I was going to pretend I didn't know what happened. But fucking hell you're such an ass. Now get out!" Max yells at me.

"Max?" A sleepy voice asks quietly, making both of us turn quickly.