Herbs & Burns ♤ jojian+maxian ✘

one//bitchin' summer

[all in joji's p.o.v]

It's been a while since I've been home. It's been a while since I've tasted his lips or heard his voice say my name. I never really talk to him when I'm away. Saying I'm busy with the tour and working on music. Most of the time it's bullshit, I'm never really that busy. This time it's different though. Summer is here and tours are taking up most of my time. He always turns down my invitation to come with me, I just don't ask anymore. Now summer's over though, well mostly. It's September now so that's close enough. For once I feel myself wanting his arms wrapped around me, no I need his arms wrapped around me. Everything feels all sore and my voice feels gone. I barely finish knocking before the door quickly swings open. Within a blink arms are wrapped around me and I feel myself practically melt into the touch. My legs almost go limp but I mange to stay up. Quickly I'm taken into the living room and to the couch. It's routine by now. Instead of curious questions getting thrown at me though a different tone finds it's way to my ears. I didn't know my stomach could drop so quickly.

"George, go to sleep and rest. In the morning we need to talk."

"What's wrong Ian?" My words are so shaky it makes me cringe slightly.

"Nothing, I just wanna talk. Now let's go to sleep, it's late." His voice his tired and rough, like he's been crying maybe.

Too dazed and tired to push further I just nod. I only now notice he's dressed for bed and there's slight dark circles under his eyes. It's early for him, usually he wouldn't be ready for bed until an hour from now. That's why I picked this time, to give him time to ask all the curious questions he always seems to hold. He's probably just tired because he's been having trouble sleeping again. Going through the motions of getting ready for bed goes quickly. Too spaced out on everything I find myself on autopilot even when I'm crawling into bed. Reality sets back in slightly as arms wrap around me softly. Gentle and cautious as usual, a comfort Ive grown so used to. I have a bad feeling in the back of my mind but I'm not sure why. Things will be fine, everything always ends up ok. Right?

"Joji." I don't remember falling asleep.

"Morning." A yawn escapes my mouth after I greet him.

"Let's get up, I got something planned for breakfast." His voice is so calm like always, it makes me believe it really will be ok.

"Ok baby." A smile creeps onto my face as I see his small smile. It's always been contagious.

All the stress and aches of before seem to disappear as we're walking down the street. Hand in hand like we used to do when we went anywhere. I miss when he'd take me on random silly dates. He was always so excited to see my reaction to them. Maybe this is one of those times, he usually does them after I've been back for a while though. I hope it's one of those, they always cheer me up. Getting to pick our seats while he orders is one of my favorite parts. We always get the same thing so I try to change up where we sit. Ian loves this little café, that's what made it one of my favorite places. The good memories we've had here are more then I can really remember. His smile fades once he sits down. That's not good, he's always all smiles when we're here. Worry seeps into my thoughts but before I can open my mouth my worries are confirmed. By the way he falters it's clear something's wrong. I'm nervous to find out what it is, that's to be expected though.

"George. I don't know if I can do this anymore." His words are sad and regret is written on his face.

"W-what do you mean?" A cringe follows my stutter, I couldn't stop it.

"You're always gone before I wake up. You never respond or really talk to me once you're gone. You've been gone a lot this summer. When you are here you're full of lust and cheap alcohol. It's rare to have us time like we used to." I thought it was impossible to hear his voice this broken yet still so calm.

"Ian, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. Today can be just for us. We can go somewhere or just be together at home." My voice can't help but falter once or twice, I can't tell.

"You say that every time. I've been so patient and calm with you. I've given you all I can, you never seem to care about me until you're horny or lonely." Tears threaten to spill from his eyes, making them glisten in the artificial light.

"No, it's not like that. Ian, I love you, I do." I can feel tears start to prick my eyes as well, I'm speechless. This doesn't seem real, it can't be real.

"I'm sorry, we're done. I've already moved all my stuff out. I love you Joji, I wish you felt the same." With that he leaves, nothing harsh said or punches thrown.

He calmly left just like he calmly came. Not a falter in his step or hesitation in his head. It all feels too wrong, too unreal. A tear doesn't even fall down my cheek. I'm just, stunned and confused. I guess I never realized what I've been doing. There were no lies in what he said, no half-truths or exaggerations. Ian was right, I have no right to argue or disagree. I find myself on autopilot again as my thoughts can't seem to stay off the events of before. He took me out to our favorite place, let me pick where we sat, paid for our breakfast, just to break up with me. He wasn't mean or didn't blatantly blame anything on me. He didn't get upset or cause a scene. He politely told me how he felt and why he made the choice then calmly walked away. He was so good about it, about everything.