LENA ( suemebaby )
depression, insecurities, loneliness, being a failure, and anxiety is what rly makes me want to kill myself.
do you feel like everybody is just against you? i feel that, everytime. in school, they always group themselves but never have i ever join a group, i just had one friend who stuck with me throughout the year but last three years she just moved away, i dont know the reason why, i suddenly became a loner with no friends.
everyone is treating me like im a stray dog at school, one time i got bullied and i fought back but i never hurt her but she broke my feelings, she says "you're a hoe and a bitch and that no one deserves you so why are you here living in this world? no one cares for you!" and all that shit.
but i don't care anymore.
then i suddenly feel so numb and i cant think straight, i walk home after that incident, that's when i felt it, my head keeps saying im worthless and you're not even worth it, she's right maybe i should just end my life.
when i step by the door of our house i immediately planned on how i will do it, i even greeted my lil sister lucy in the kitchen bc she's eating her cheesecake, no one else is in the house, mom's at work and dad's in the hospital.
i clearly remembered the moment how i tiptoe upstairs to my room and lock the door, all the locks in my door i locked it, without thinking, i walk inside the bathroom.
i know some of you might be thinking, is she telling a fake story or a true story? yes is the answer, this is my first experience of attempting suicide.
i grab a blade in my top drawer, i dont even know why there's a blade there i just found it, right there, tempting me to touch it to my skin, to feel the pain, to end it.
i took deep breathes, calming my nerves first, at first i was thinking of how my family will see me like this, in cold blood, maybe they'll just shrug it off and send me to the hospital like nothing happened.
at that point, i thought maybe i shouldn't be doing this, what about my family? i am hesitating from that moment.
in my brain, i said i have to end it all.
i place the blade where my veins are visible, then slice it down my skin. few minutes later im shaking and about to faint.
i didn't hear my lil sister knocking on my door i just heard her voice, crying for my name, maybe she heard me scream, i didnt even know if i screamed when i cut my skin.
that's the last time i remembered when i black out, hearing my lil sister crying and knocking on my door hard, i just woke up in the hospital with dextrose all over my arm where i place the blade to cut my skin.
but i never killed myself, i used to cut myself but when my lil sis found out that im doing it, i stopped it, she just might copy me someday and i wont let that happen, and now im always there for her whenever someone's bullying her or whenever she needs someone, im always rly there but no one was.
this is lila's idea, and this is my first experience when i used to cut myself but i dont so u dont have to worry abt me.
