Static

Static is the only way I can describe my thinking. It's all fuzzy and in the limited black and white hues. All feelings I have can be described by static. Some with a higher pitch and more pristine picture, others with a low grumble and blocky images.

There's only one time that it didn't feel like static and that was when I was with her. Robyn. It felt like my mind was cleared it instantly felt so real. I actually felt like I was a person, instead of repeatative, emotion lacking robot I always was. Smells were more relaxing than boring and sour. Sights we're colorful, touch was soft and smooth, my hearing was melodic.

But she's gone now. Died in a car crash. As soon as I heard that those nice feelings seeped back into their normal buzzing static. Instead this time it was painful. It was in my bones, my blood, my throat, my stomach, my head all of it turned back to the painful buzzing.

I remember her hair was a dark black, curly and always in a puffy ponytail or bun. Her skin was a pretty honey color, warm and natural with rosey cheeks and freckles. Her eyes we're a pale green with a pretty hazel outline and they were always shiny with dark long lashes. Her smile made every thing seem happy it was gentle and caring, her green braces matched her eyes.

I don't even know why she started talking to me in the first place it was like a goddess talking to a peasant. She just walked up said hello then asked for my number like it was nothing. It always seemed like I would be the one to confess to her then get totally turned down.

Most of her friends didn't like me specifically two boys who sat with her at lunch. They like to bother me during class. Usually poking me with their pencil during class or drawing something embarrassing on my neck since one of them usually sits behind me because of the ABC order we're somewhat in.

There was one time that I fell asleep in class and they drew a dick on my forehead. Fun, right? I tried to wash it off but I couldn't tell whether or not I got it off because of the lack of mirrors at my school. But she was there. She helped me scrub the dumb drawing off of my forehead. Then when it wouldn't come off even when my skin was turning bright red from the rubbing she put concealer on it in order to cover it up.

That's the first time I kissed her. She didn't react the way I wanted her to. She made a disgusted face. I apologized and said I would never do it again. She nodded, didn't say anything and walked to lunch together. Her friends poked fun as to why we were late but eventually stopped to talk about funny things on the internet etc.

About two weeks later I had kept my promise and never did anything along the lines of romance. I was fine just being a friend I didn't want to force her into it or make her feel bad. Yet she admitted she had feelings for me. I was so happy. I asked her to be my girlfriend, but she declined. She told me that the two boys, who were her friends, would get jealous and she was afraid they would try to hurt me. I said that I understood her concern and I assured her that wouldn't happen but accepted the answer anyway.

Three days later she didn't come to school. I instantly knew something was wrong. I asked her friends where she was and they replied with, "She's probably just sick."

I knew that it wasn't just that. The next day she didn't come to school either. They said over the intercom that she had gotten into a car accident and unfortunately died along with her father who had been driving the car.

I did some further research to find that they were hit by a drunk driver who was going 50 mph. This caused their car to swerve and drive off the road because it knocked the driver unconscious. The car ran into a tree and the impact killed both of them. Yet the drunk driver survived with nothing but a small concussion and a few broken ribs.

It really makes you angry when someone you love is killed unfairly and yet the person who caused it gets to live another day. It's even worse when you know that you could have done something to stop it. I know that there's a lot of other people who have crap like this happen or worse and I'm just one of the few but it just feels like I'm alone.

More alone than before that is. I didn't have anyone in the first place, but it really makes you feel even more alone when you're finally given someone that you think is there for you, that you think cares about you as much as you care about them then they're ripped away without even being able to say goodbye.

Its kinda weird looking at other people who have friends and talk about their feelings anytime they're sad. Then you look at what you have and it's like you either have open air or a big brick wall to talk to.

And of course being the odd one out it's not like it was easy to get friends. It's not like I tried to though. Maybe if I actually tried instead of just being sad as all hell I would probably have a better chance. I never have any motivation to do such so I should probably stop lingering on the idea.

So with that I stop thinking and return to my current situation. Laying down in the dark, on my bed just remembering things. I close my eyes and wish I could just sleep but that's not going to happen instantly, of course.

After a long while of just sitting there and sitting in the darkness I can finally feels sleep taking hold of me and I have one more thought before I drift off 'why am I like this?'