Far From The Light

1st.

I wish I could be standing next to you, our hands intertwined, smiling to each other. Us telling how much we love each other. I wish it would be you in your suit and me in my wedding dress but that would be impossible, as you're standing in front of my coffin at my funeral.

9 months ago.

With trembling hands I hold the stick between my thumb and index fingers with both hands. My thoughts are going a thousand miles an hour, my heart beating like crazy that it starts to ache. Tears are leaking from my eyes but I'm too frozen to wipe them away.

"Fuck ..." I breathe out as I'm trying to hold my tears. 

The front door closes with a bang and my head snaps to the bathroom door that is still open.  I hurry to close the door and jump into our shower fully clothed. As I struggle to turn the rusty knobs with my still shaking hands,  I hear my boyfriend calling my name "June, I'm home!"

"Come on, hurry." I whisper under my breathe and the water starts to run from the showerhead. I let out a heavy sigh and sit down in the bathtub. The bathroom door opens and before he can slide the shower curtain aside I warn him "Don't peek, I'm ... I'm shaving, Elian". He shows his hand and waves at me, still standing behind the shower curtain. "Hey babe, I got us dinner from that Asian fusion place you love." and with that his hand dissapears again and I hear the door closing.  The tears start to fall down again and I don't try to hold them in. Most people would be happy at this moment but all I can think about is the safety of my own life. 

After what feels like a decade, I get out of the shower and change out of my wet clothes. With just a bathrobe on I walk into the livingroom as I see the only source of happiness in my life, sitting on the sofa, arranging our food. "Hey" I say softly and his head turns to where I'm standing. He pats the seat beside him and I take a seat, my head leaning on his shoulder. "You okay? You look a little ... upset" He asks as he strokes my curls. I shake my head softly and dare not to look in his eyes, "You shouldn't have bought takeaway ... can we afford that? We should be saving up for our wedding ..." I trail off. When I do look up to look at him, he smiles at me and gives me a plate with food. 

We're both in bed, me curled up beside him, my head resting on his chest and him rubbing my back as he reads his book aloud. "I love you Elian, you know that right." He stops reading and sits upright, pulling me with him. "I love you Juniper Knight, are you going to tell me what's bothering your pretty mind now?" and kisses my forehead.  "I don't want to tell you. I fear that when I tell you, everything will fall apart." I cry into his chest. He lets out a sigh and grips my chin gently with his hand.  "Tell me." is all he says. I can not lie to this man. I can not keep a secret from this man. But I fear ... fear for my life as a dark skinned woman, in a relationship with a white man. I want to turn my head away and just close my eyes, wanting to forget just for a moment but he keeps holding me. 

"I ... I'm pregnant Elian .." I sniff and look into his eyes, scared for his reaction. Scared for the disappointed look in his eyes but still I want to look and feel the blow  of my heart breaking. But there's nothing but love filling my heart when tears form in his eyes as he kisses me on my lips. "I love you. I love you. I love you." he says in between kisses and holds me close to him.

The next morning I wake up with the sound of rain softly hitting the windows. It's my favorite sound. It gives me a calm feeling. Elian is already off to work, I woke up at 5AM and heard him closing the front door as softly as possible but it's a rotten door anyway.

I wish he could stay here every night but unfortunately his mother won't ever allow that. She believes that you can not live together nor sleep together in the same bed until you are married. That's how strictly religious people like his parents believe you will stay worthy to God. I have met her once .. and that was hell. Everyone knows that religion and your beliefs have nothing to do with someone else's skin colour but still she couldn't even look me in the eyes when I walked up to her to shake her hand. She instead looked at my boyfriend and said "How could you son?" With tears in her eyes.
Now 1 year later we still haven't seen nor spoken to each other since that day.
At least she finally stopped trying to convince Elian that I am unholy.
She knows she can't convince him but she knows that she can blackmail him. Either he's going to marry me and lose his inheritance which he can receive, or at least a part of it, 1 year from now on or he can stop seeing me, break off all contact and get married to a women of his parents choice, obviously someone they know from church.

For me it would not matter if he loses his inheritance. He started a job in IT and we can manage. I do freelance work as a writer and actually earn some cash. Although all my earnings go to my savings as I want us to get married as soon as possible and move somewhere else. We both have been dreaming of moving to Italy. He has been there once and showed me pictures and it's absolutely breathtaking. He told me the people are so nice and heartwarming there. I have been dreaming about it ever since. 

Am I scared that he will choose his inheritance and leave me hanging? Ofcourse, that's my insecurity talking. He showers me with so much love and gives me so much joy. He does his absolute best so we can go somewhere and live our lives. 

What could I possibly fear for?