"Through The Dark" A Louis Tomlinson's Fanfic by EB

Chapter 11: The hardest part is next to you.

            "You know you never answered if he makes you happy?" Harry says right after he opened up the door to his luxurious flat.  It takes me a few seconds to realized he had even asked me that I was just so lost within my own thoughts. I can't believe I agreed to crash at the night here with him but honestly I didn't know where I was going to go.

            "You can stay here and I'll just crash on the floor its fine." he smiles as he watched me nervously put my things down in his room. Why was this starting to feel like second nature to me? Oh yeah Louis..

            "Can we just not talk about him for second, please?"

            "That's game with me." he agrees and it surprises me but I am glad because I don't want to keep thinking about Louis and my feelings for him. I walked away from him and decided to just step outside the room to open French doors that  reveal a magnificent view of the city. I just wanted to feel a little bit of the breeze that was picking up through the air as it hit my skin and help me to think clearer.

            "So why are you here Harry,  and I really do mean why you really are so no bullshit. Because, I am pretty sure it was not only about me." I can feel his eyes on me and the way he bites his bottom lip when he is nervous, as he walks close to stand next to me.

            "Well babe when you put it like that it sounds quite awful " he stops and smirks before continuing on " I left a few weeks right after you ran away into rehab. While I started the program, that was kind of a wake up call for me. I thought about you almost everyday except the first week that I was completely detoxing and that was quite both gross and a tremendous amount of struggle."

            I smile a little when he admits to his "struggles" because knowing the old Harry he would've never even foot a step in a rehab center ever. Imagining him sober was something my heart always hoped for and seeing him carry a conversation without slurring his words its pretty mind blowing actually. But at the same time it made me feel like shit because I had let myself fall in his old paths as well. I don't know how I could even go to rehab myself.

            " I had the worst times just seeing a bottle of gin just sitting there and not being able to even taste it. But then I would think about you and it made me want to become a better man for you. Like how I wanted to make sure I could find you someday and made you sure you were all right."

            "Harry please don't" I tried to stop myself from listening to the rest. How can he think I deserve a better version of him when I obviously am the worst version of myself.

            "Listen I don't expect you to come back with me. I just want to know that I'm forgiven. And if you wanted to me then I'm here and no bullshit, just me I swear"

            I turn my look away from him with a deep sigh from a breath I didn't even realize I had been holding in for so long. I try to stare at the buildings in front of me at anything but him. But ultimately it was like a few seconds passed by without the both of us saying anything and it was just the each of us staring at each other in the eyes. It actually felt like a lifetime but when I would look at his green eyes I could almost see that he actually does loves me it was like his eyes turned even a shade brighter.

            "Harry I.. "

            His lips are suddenly meeting mine and tightening them shut. His hands pulling me in close to him closing the distance between us two. I want to push him away but I let myself fall in the way my lips sync into his trying to figure out  the truth in his mouth.

            My eyes are closed and I make my body try to feel the same spark it felt months ago for him. I let my fingers run wild through his loose waves but it doesn't feel right. His hands feel warm against my cold skin as they run up and down the back of my spine.

            We stagger slowly back inside until my back hits the cover of his bed. He removes his t-shirt exposing the inked skin and the brand set of sparrows that caught my eyes. I closed my eyes once again but when he tries to kiss me again no it didn't feel the same. I start to see his eyes shifting from green to blue and his face morphing into Louis's and I shake the image out of my head. Therefore, I let his tongue explore mine once again but I felt disgusted with myself.

            "I can't do this" I pulled back covering my face with my hands in shame. He sighs as he stands and picks up his t-shirt from the floor.

            "I'm sorry I shouldn't have"

            " Yeah well I let myself get lost in it too." I push myself back into my elbows looking at him. He always had a tendency of running his hands through his hair when he knew he wasn't in control of a situation and didn't no what to do next. I extended my hand out to him and he looked at me awkwardly.

            "You should know that I loved you even in your worst times Styles. I'm sorry I freaked out but I guess lying next to you should be fine"

            " Gee thanks, Arielle" he takes my hand dropping his t-shirt back on the floor and we sneak under the covers.

            "Ella" he corrects himself but I giggle. His arm holds me close to him as I lay with my head on his inked chest listening to his heart beat.

            "Did you feel anything when you kissed me?" He asks but how could I tell him how I really felt.

            "Yes but"

            "But you didn't feel the same way" he finishes my thoughts for me.  I look up at him and my hand is searching for his face.

            "Something like that. Harry I love you. You will always be my first true love and nothing will change that." I said honestly trying not to choke as I said it but it was so hard. Tears that I thought had been all shed long time ago start to fill the water line.

            "Ella please its fine" he says but he doesn't have a clue how much harder it is to say goodbye to a long lost love. This was it the time to start saying goodbye to all my demons that have been slowly dragging me from who I really am.  I had to say good bye to what once was my one true love and he was better than ever so perfect that even if I felt the same way it wouldn't be the same the second time around. He had changed, and I had changed.

            "I mean I don't want to lose you. But if what we need is more time" his thumb catch my spilling teardrops.

            "No its not time. Time is already here. Look at you Harry you are even more amazing now than what I would have pictured you. This is how I needed you then. But its not about then its about now. And now I love you but not in the same way. Someone else already claim that spot in my heart and the sad thing he doesn't even know it."

            "Louis huh? That lucky bastard sure knows how to win the lottery" even then he smiles even though he is clearly hurt and heartbroken. 

            "Just please don't love him like you loved me" he says and I can hear his voice is hoarse as he express the last few words before he kisses me once again.

            " I'm sorry but if this is the last time I am going to get to do that then I'm not sorry" he smirks.

            "I promise" and I laugh really kissing him this time without holding back and not regretting the moment.

            "Whoa since when did you get so much feistier?"  he laughs  and I swat at him          "Maybe" I let myself fall next to him and try to forget all the stupid little things.