Complications

Zosia

Thursday 6th December

Today was just not going well. Not at all. I just can't focus, and nothings going how it should. Everything's going wrong, like I'm spiralling out of control. I can't stop it, but I don't want it. I want it all to go away. Not only my own civil war but nobody understands. As much as I love him, one of my best friends, and as much as he tries, he doesn't understand either. I know Ollie is only trying to help, but he just doesn't get it! I just wish I could step back from this life and be refreshed, like a cold shower on a hot, prickly day. I just need a fresh start. Failing that, I just want something to get stuck into, something to take my mind off everything. Everything that was going wrong.

I ran up behind Jac and apparently I scared the hell out of her, but I didn't mean to. "Jac, please, I just want something to do. I need a big case I can get stuck into" I asked, kind of politely but I guess a bit desperately. "To quote hamlet, act 3, scene 3, line.. 92: no." She replied, adamant that I wasn't going to help.
"Why not?"
"Zosia, I can see what's happening"
"I don't know what you mean"
"You're getting yourself.. worked up. You just need to go and take a break."
"I'm fine. I don't need a break. I need that." I reached over and took a big fat juicy file out of her arms, and opened it up. She sighed and gave up arguing. She didn't want to 'provoke' me. Sometimes it annoys me how carefully they tread, it's almost like they don't see me as a normal person.

I got stuck in, examining and scanning, examining again, listening. Maybe listening to hard. I got distracted. By something above me. A noise; buzzing. I looked up and saw the flickering light, buzzing away, almost like it was against me, just trying to press all my buttons. Every single one. My eye started twitching and suddenly it's like I wasn't there anymore, wasn't in the room. Jac was keeping her beady eye on me. I know she's only trying to help, but it can be very annoying. She came over to see what my hesitation was but I didn't hear her. I jumped back to reality as soon as I realised someone was calling my name.
"Zosia. I want you to go and take a break in my office please, I'll be there in a minute and we can talk."
"I don't want to take a break, I'm fine"
"Zosia, I'm not asking you"
"But.."
I gave up when Jac gave me the despairing look that someone would give a misbehaving four year old. I just wish everyone would treat me like they'd treat any other 26 year old. I skulked off to her office, knowing she was right, as she sent the patient off for another scan, and followed me, a few minutes behind.

I was lying on the little grey sofa in her office when she came in. I often came here, where I knew I was safe. I felt safe in her office.
She came over and tapped me, and I sat up to make room.
"So what's really going on with you today, Zosh?" She said as she put her arm round me.
It took me a few seconds to adapt to the warmth of her presence. Cold as she may seem at times, she was actually one of the most caring people I'd ever known.
"I don't know. It was just.."
I stopped. I didn't know how to explain it. I didn't know how I could explain it to her if I couldn't even explain it to myself.
"Its okay, you don't have to explain just yet. Do you want me to leave you in here for a bit? So you can have some peace to yourself?"
I nodded and she left, switching the sign outside her door to do not disturb as she went.