An Explanation

I owe you an explanation. One from the side of me that actually makes sense, from the side that can articulate my thoughts in the way they are meant to come across.

I am afraid. I am always afraid. You know this. It is one part chemical imbalance and one part childhood trauma. This means that I know that my fears are, more often than not, irrational. But some of them aren't.

For instance, the last time I felt as strongly about a person as I do about you, I was punished for not having a piece of information I could never know, and it confirmed my fear that the people who loved me most could also inevitably tire of me and push me away. It took me years to stop being bitter about that situation, but I cannot forgive it, for it did confirm my fear.

This is not to say that I expect the same will happen with us. However, much like your fear that I will cheat, I fear that you will grow to hate me and push me away. It is not a fear that is based in logic, but in past emotional turmoil.

In addition, it becomes much harder to fight my fears when so many things are happening all at once. Currently, I am dealing with finals, late work, and normal work. I am also trying to figure out transportation, relying heavily on two people who hate each other to try and work together to a point that way I can have some control over my problem. In addition, there is the money issues surrounding sudden events outside our control. My tiny paycheck has had to feed us both, give transport, and provide for toothless. I still have yet to be able to get her spade and her shots. On top of that, we both were sick and then the tires blew and you know how that one went. Then, of course, I am dealing with an entirely new relationship.

I don't know how to be a girlfriend to you. To anyone. My last relationships are only relationships in the fact that they were given that label, not that they actually functioned as relationships. I'm learning what it means to be a partner and a friend to you. I'm learning about how you act, how you react,how you talk, what you like. I'm learning about what I like and don't like. I'm finding out what it means to have feelings reciprocated, which is absolutely new to me.

I need to find balance and stability, two things that I never had and don't feel comfortable with. Darling, when I feel even remotely stable, I feel dread, wondering when it will come crashing down because historically it always has.

So the question that is no doubt on your mind is "how can I help?".

Truthfully, I don't know for sure if you can. You certainly can't save me, nor can you fix me. But what I will ask of you is your patience, and your communication. Honestly, if you want to type out a list from worst offences to small annoyances, that would be golden. If it makes you feel better, you can also list the small and big things you like that I do. Write out how I can help you, things you think I should look into, things that I need to know 24/7. As for patience, just hold me while I cry. Know that unless I say so specifically, the reason for my tears is not your fault. I cry because I bottled too much up, and I find it safe to let go around you. I cry when I am with you about 200% more than I cry around any other person for just that reason. Because I love you. I trust you, more deeply than I have trusted another person. You are my safety, and my home, and the source of my greatest joys. That is why I owed you this explanation.