OBLIVIOUS OF HURT

They are all talking about their lives,

the crazy things they have been through.

I look back, but nothing  life devastating  happened to me,

though I did fuck up my life.

It feels like they are competing for who had the worst,

their depression, their treacherous friends and all they have been through.

It's the same story, just a new listener.

sometimes when I am with them I realize, 

I have become one of them,

I hate it, but they make me feel so insecure

for not having gone through it,as if I have never lived.

I have seen so much, have been through so much,

the hurt ,the pain, my tears are their to prove it,but i just don't wanna sell it.

it's still there hidden under layers and layers 

of smiles, my incessant babbles ,you can see it in my eyes but no one ever does.

I cry ,but never in their presence,

because they will then use it to make me feel weak.

you never understand why and how???

, but they always do.

But then I wonder if I am the depressed one,

I am the one who's in the corner,

not saying anything, just listening ,

painting it all in dark colors,

 the pessimist one. 

Maybe they are sharing , not competing.

but how many times do you need to share with how many strangers ,before you are okay.

whenever i share i just get pity, so i keep it all in.

whenever i slip, i regret it .

i feel so used, whenever they need me i am there,

But no one's there for me.

I just want someone to look at me, 

see the real me,

and ask "Hey ,What going on?".

Am I that good an actor ??

or Do they all unsee me ???