"Ummmm, I left last semester because of him. Remember that day in the caf that we were trying to persuade Ana to see what she likes in her new boyfriend? Yeah, I left campus literally two hours later."
"oh, shit. Really?! What did he do?"
I tell her, and she said that she was sorry. I laughed it off, telling her it was probably for the best. We said our goodbyes when Ana came down the hallway, and off to the commons. Then we met up with two random people who knew about the friend group of X, Cora, and I. They asked if I was talking to X still, for they had not seen him in a while, and haven't heard anything from him since June. I said no, and headed on my way. My mind is still alert, just wanting to forget about him. Finally, we get to the commons. I saw Miss Rose, the Starbucks lady on campus. I went around the counter and gave her a hug. She asked where I had gone to, which I said I transferred. She was glad I was still going to college. Then she asked where my other friends were, the guy and the girl. Cora left campus during Christmas the year before and with her asking about X, meant that no one had seen him in a while. I said I don't know, I hadn't talked to him in months. Not really friends with him now. She gave me a coffee for half price (she does that with almost everyone, that is why we love her), and I sat down, starting to do my homework. Wait, did I say homework? I meant questioning where the hell was my suicidal ex who takes advantage of women.
If you did not read my essay either, which I don't think I shared it on here, let me fill in the gaps. X said he wanted to kill himself, I told his brother to tell his parents. Parents showed up after an 8-hour drive. X played it off as I am a crazy lady. He yelled at me. He apologized two days later after I would not have sex with him again, and this was not four days after we said we would be friends. Then he tried to have sex with me while we were trying to solve out why he has been acting this way (the main reason why psychology is now my minor was that I found out I can't deal with dealing with other people's shit). I left campus not two days later. I posted the essay almost two months after I left when I knew he would be off campus because I am still a fucking loser caring about his mentality and not wanting it to interfere with his finals. That was the last time almost anyone heard from X.
Now, this means that for almost 6 months, only a few people had been talking to X, and most of them did not go to this college. This meant that no one knew if he was alive or dead, if he did go to the college and was just a shut-in, or he transferred. It isn't even 3:30 pm yet and all I want to do is die right there and then, thinking I might have killed off my ex-best friend/ my ex. So, I started rewriting one of the passages of my book and sent it to his number. I got a new phone number less than a month before, and I had been sending him book passages about every other day. It is how I am making myself write. I sent something that he would understand that it would have been me. Something I knew that he had read before that was my writing. The Silver Thread. I fixed it up just a bit for the grammar and sent it. Hoping for a reply. Just something for him to realize that it was me and that he would tell me to stop texting him. Or even for him to not realize it was me, and just to tell me to stop texting him. Not one reply since I started sending the passages, and not a reply since. It was now nearing 4:30 pm. I tell Ana that I have to cut my trip short. We say our goodbyes. My last hope was to go through the parking lots and find his car. Only one car matched his car, but only in color and the state plates. The windshield was cracked, and the model of the car was too rounded to be his. This was bad. I tell John that I am leaving campus early and that I can't make it to the club that night. I wasn't feeling all too well, and I really wasn't. A sense of dread washed upon me. Did I make X such an outcast to kill himself? There was no proof that he was dead. There was no proof that he was alive as well. All I can do it just sit and wonder, and ask my gods for help.
I asked my goddess to answer through a song to tell me to turn around and go back to campus if he was there and alive. A cheerful song came on, but I could not decipher as her being happy that I was on the right track and should turn around, or that she was being asked questions through the song again. I was in tears, couldn't breathe, and just wanted a straight answer. I turned off my music and played Hamilton the rest of the 3 hours home until my phone died. Then I cried the rest of the way. Not knowing what had happened to my ex.
I didn't expect to see my ex at all when I was up there, but I also did not expect questions as to if I had heard from him at all, for no one else did. The ones who would have known graduated from the school back in May. I knew that he was posting on social media up until August when he made everything private. I am now worried that if he was dead by his own hand, that I was the last straw that did it. Now, I don't think I can deal with it. I just want proof that he is alive. I may hate his guts for what he did, but that does not make me any less of a human being to care for him. That is my weakness. Caring for others when they do not care back.
I made it back to my place at 8 pm. I had to immediately take a bath just to calm my senses down. I have not talked to Ana or John since then, and I feel bad. But they do not know why I left so early other than not feeling well. I just want to know. Where is he?
-Ginger Daile
Panic Attack
Start from the beginning
