The Harmony of mind and heart

Prologue

FOR YOUR INFORMATION THERE'RE GOING TO BE CHANGES!! I'm uploading this here as a trial version -if you will- since I otherwise have no possibility to get any feedback. That doesn't mean I upload half-finished chapters.

As such if you could leave a comment -any kind at all- be it a "It's terribly boring!" or "I like this ...". ANYTHING will be appreciated!

I'm still immature as an author and would like to get better but for that I need to know what is bad and what is good. This will help you as a reader, too, so that you get to enjoy more entaining stories. Just a WORD is enough! Please!

Prologue

Emotions are troublesome, illogical, unnecessarily complicated and ......painful, utterly painful.

There is nothing more crippling than a hurt heart. It affects much more than a hurt body. The mind is such a fragile thing, mostly through the emotions. If one can't control oneself and think through their emotions it can have devastating consequences. They might get a new tick or a mental problem or even go insane from it. What one needs to know is that emotions are a danger, too. Not to say that they're all bad but people need to know that what can really destroy a person are not wounds on the body but wounds on the heart. Emotions disrupt the heart and set the mind in shambles. Without a clear heart there can be no peace, no balance and without that the mind is lost and going in circles and nowhere at all.

I don't quite know anymore when or why it started.

(NOO!! I don't want to know! Don't remember! Don't Feel...)

All I know clearly is that I'm in danger, the danger of losing my mind and heart.

It, THAT, was hell on earth. A nightmare I could not wake up from as it was the reality. Day after day the torture continued. Several times lulling me into peace only to bring more anguish at the end of the next day. My mind was hanging in shreds after little more than a year.

It was hell.

And I knew I could not endure this much longer as I was. Fleeing was no option and fighting was useless. So, I did what I did best, even at that time, and thought logical. Only logic was allowed, no more emotion, no more cracks in my heart, no more connections that only existed to be broken. I thought only with cold hard logic and nothing else, so I could survive.

Emotions were NOT worth the backlash from broken bonds. They were crippling and only endangering my mind.

My mind, it was the only freedom I had left. No one was going to take that away, ever. My mind was mine to control and no emotions had the right to bring me on the brink of a breakdown and insanity.

So, I stifled every emotion right away and controlled myself so that nothing would reach my heart. I thought only with my mind and repressed every emotion with cold hard logic. Suppressed them so far, I could only feel the faintest traces sometimes. The barrier I made was strong, yes, but fragile, at first. I was not strong enough to block every emotion, not disciplined enough to allow not even the smallest one to grow. Even these were weaknesses to my mind, cracks to exploit and like weeds they grew and infested my mind until I was once again in shambles and grasping for control, for peace.

So, I desperately attempted to keep everything away from my heart, so it doesn't get any more cracks. But I tried and failed - it was just a little dislike, just a tiny bit of discomfort - and tried once more only to fail again - come on, that's only a bit affection, just a speck of safe - and did it all again until the barrier was so strong the emotions were not roused, made out of logic and cold and hard like stone and ice. I didn't feel much of anything anymore and only the faintest traces remained sometimes, only enough to give an impression, not to grow anything. I now thought only with logic, not with the heart.

I survived.

The nightmare did not stop but it was just a picture now. I was looking at it instead of living through it. It was bearable. I wouldn't call it a living now but that was something that wasn't worth wasting my thoughts on at that time.

Now it was over.

I was free from THAT but the scars remained, physical and mental, reminding me of the time I never wanted to live through again.

Let them be buried with the painful, terrible emotions I had long since abandoned.

So, I shoved all memories of THAT in the deepest, darkest corner of my mind and locked them away with the dusty emotions sitting there.

That was the easier part. My mind wanted to forget, I didn't want to remember the pain and despair attached to those early memories, I didn't think I could endure that without going insane.

But there's one thing I've never forgotten.

It was the one thing I always kept in the back of my mind.

Don't let anyone in your heart. Don't make connections. Don't get attention.

That was the mantra I always subconsciously held on to. That was my religion.

The hardest thing was remaining unnoticed. I could not find it in me to feel anything anymore. I was an anomaly that was different from others around me and it was not taken positively by anyone. It got me too much attention. Attention was bad, attention was the way all things would go to hell. THAT I knew, somehow. It was the undeniable truth, a perfectly natural thought and there was no questioning it. To prevent that, I tried to imitate the normal human so, nobody would look at me too closely again. I struggled with this task since I couldn't understand humans and emotions properly. Humans were so confusing. Always saying things they don't really mean or saying the opposite instead of the truth. It was really hard to learn what was 'normal' and what was wrong but I preserved even if only because I had no choice. And somehow over the time, I learned there were too many different reactions that were possibly 'normal' that I had to base them on some kind of base pattern to get anywhere with my observations. So, I started to tailor my observations for a specific type of person. For me, I choose quiet and shy persons as my base. That way I had to say just a few words and I could always blame the silence on my alleged shyness with a ducked head, cowering.

In the end, I got what I needed.

One mask and more, perfect to not get attention for being abnormal. Imperfect masks they may be but they're good enough their purpose. From that point on nobody ever saw through my masks, nobody saw the real me. They only saw what they wanted and didn't see through the fake laughs, the fake smiles, the fake emotions and reactions.

I lived relatively peaceful after the initial period. After some time, I found a place for me to live and it wasn't so dull anymore.

But let's not talk about that. Let's move on to more interesting things. Let the story start from the beginning of a time where I was shown a different path.

He dragged me into a whole new world. A place where I learned to be me without restrictions and pretending. Where I learned to open my heart again and found me anew.

I hope for you, that you find the true peace and feeling of home I got from him some day yourselves.

Break

Thanks for reading!^^