Just stop breathing

How it all started

I always wanted to be well liked. I knew that would never happen though... When I was a child I would always just assume that what I was going through was normal. I thought everyone had panic attacks on the daily; even though I didn't even know what a panic attack was. I always wondered why I always felt down. Why can't I laugh like all of the other kids? Why am I so weird? Why do I have no friends? That's all I would ever think about. I never said anything because I didn't know that what I was feeling was an actual problem. I went on with my life. My 3 grade realized I had anxiety because I was so quiet and biting my nails.
"Erika?" My teacher asked.
"Yes?" I replied.
"Why are you biting your nails?"
"I don't know... I'm just kind of nervous. Like how you feel when you talk in front of the class." I nervously said back to my teacher.
"So anxiety?" He asked.
"What's anxiety?"
I was so unsure of what everything was. The next day my mom came in to talk to my teacher and she asked me about how I feel. I told her I get nervous, that's how I would describe a panic attack. My mom just assumed it was just the pressure of my class mates. Big mistake... In the car I would always scream that I was going to throw up and now I know that it was anxiety but back then I had no idea. My mom became a little worried about me but assumed I would adjust. Another big mistake... In grade 5 I was always called "happy". One day my mom asked
"Erika aren't you happy your friend came over?"
I simply replied with
"I don't know I just feel... I can't describe it... It's like... I don't feel sad but I'm not happy."
At this point my realized something was definitely going on. She struggles from anxiety and depression herself and believe I might of had it. I don't know why she didn't want me to be in therapy to this day but I just assumed it was because she was scared. Finally in grade 6 I opened up and she became less worried over me. I met this girl who was just like me. I call her, HER. We never speak of her! After 3 years of therapy I still can't say her fucking name! I loved her and I thought she loved me. Key word "thought". Even to this day I can't fully say everything that happened because I can't even comprehend what happened myself. I told her about how I felt and she felt the same. I started seeing a therapist and I found out that I had extremely severe anxiety and depression. I was being cured is what I thought. I was wrongfully diagnosed many times so no wonder it wasn't helping. Later on I found out HER had anxiety and depression too. I assumed that she wouldn't betray me. Now I know; she never meant anything she said. She never loved me. She never cared about me. She never even wanted me! She used me for her own fun! Even typing this is making me cry and ashamed I have to say this shit.

I know no one is interested but let me know if you want to know more. That is if anyone ever sees this...