uncontrollable | ethma (e.d & e.c)

-t w e l v e-

"nothing...i'm fine." i take a sip of smartwater. "water?" i grab another bottle from the fridge.
"sure sister." i toss the water over to him. it fails and crashes onto the ground.

"good catch bitch.." i sat sarcastically.
he scoffs. "don't be fucking rude." i laugh at him. "spooky season is almost here and OMG we have to do a sister squad video!"

"yea that would be...fun and fresh."

"love that for us." he responds back.

as much fun that seems, it would be kind of weird. going in front of a camera, being the same way i was in the other videos with grayson, ethan and james. before anything had happened.

it wasn't going to be the same. i couldn't say no. james has already hinted it to fans and seemed super happy about it.

i loved james so much. but i kept keeping all these secrets from him. it's not that i don't trust him. it was just scary to think about. kept me up at night. we joke around a lot and being serious and real around james about ethan, made me sick to my stomach. how would he react? would he be mad if i told him about our relationship?

we've kept it a secret and just randomly telling him would definitely piss him off. i mean, i wouldn't be happy either if my best friend randomly told me she/he had a significant other and had been hiding it from me. i would feel betrayed, and alone.

this had been eating a me for the longest time. i snap out of my thoughts and make sure he hadn't been watching me have a mental breakdown in my head. nope, texting someone. normal shit to me.

i walk over to the couch and take a seat next to him. i rest my head on his shoulder as he types away.

we start to talk. and talk. and talk even more. i haven't talked to james in person for awhile and it felt good to. i could really be myself. the "myself" that i really was minus all the bullshit.

soon the conversation shifts over to the video we planned to do a few months ago. we were all excited to film it.

"we should probably talk about it with the twins before we start to think." i suggest.

i didn't want to think about the video yet. being behind a camera, hiding a secret that was huge to me. fans were already watching ethan and i's every move. if we go anywhere. any picture or snap is analyzed. like the fucking fbi. the thought of people really finding out gave me anxiety.

"oh yea you're right." i could tell by the tone of his voice that he knew something was up.

—————————
october 28

today was the day. about a week ago after hanging out with james, we planned to meet at james' new house to film. which was about a month ago. i haven't been there yet. neither has gray or ethan, i'm pretty sure.

ethan and i texted every day. we couldn't hang out yet because grayson thinks we're not a couple, hanging out would blow the whole plan.

i struggle to get off of my bed. i kept imagining multiple scenarios. they all end in the world finding out about us, or someone getting hurt, and not physically. either way, some type of relationship would be ruined.