Random Stories

Learned and Not Learned

  I have not learned how to be treated by others. Of course, my mom has told me that I should be treated with love and care, but my heart is too big and I have let people use me and hurt me over and over. I know how I want to be treated, but no matter what, I let people spread lies about me, use me, betray me and yet I still forgive them and let them do it again. In all of my friendships, I would buy my friends stuff and do things for them and when I ask for something in return, they all turn around and ignore me. At the end of the day, I let them back so easily when they return. When I broke up with this one guy, he started treating me like I was absolute trash. Like was the worst person in the world. I let it get to me and I got so upset and heated, but over time I started feeling like I deserved it. Now I know I didn't, but a small part me still feels that way when I look at him because that part of me still cares deeply for him.

  I have not learned how to love myself fully. I really want to learn to love me, but it's so hard. I do have bursts of confidence sometimes, like when I wear really nice, but after a while, I start to feel self-conscious and insecure. I want to look in the mirror and just see the beauty that my mom sees when she looks at me. I want to be as comfortable with my body as I am with my personality. 

  I have not learned how to be truly happy. Of course, a lot of things make me happy. My mom, my little sister, my best friend, my writings, and music. But that's it. I dream about the happiness that I want to feel. That happiness that gives you peace and even when you are in a stressful moment. I want that forever happiness that even if I'm alone, I will never feel alone. 

  I have learned how cultural I am. I love learning about different countries and their languages and traditions. I have attempted to teach myself Japanese and Korean and am currently attempting Mandarin and soon Vietnamese. My favorite country is South Korea and my favorite cities are London and Paris. I've been out of the country so technically I don't know if they are my actual favorite yet, but until I visit them, they will be top in my heart. I also love trying food from all over the world. Some things do look unappealing and I might not try it at first, but I eventually come around. 

  I learned how to cry silently. The walls are thin where I live are thin and my room shares the same wall as the living room. I never want to let anyone that I am crying because I don't want them to feel bad for me or upset me even more. I cry easily and my family likes to think that I cry over the craziest of things and I do so I learned how to cry without making a sound. I also learned how to make my voice sound normal when I cry so that it isn't evident. Life is hard for me. Not many think so because I have a supportive family and an amazing best friend, but life is really hard. It's hard for me to open up about what I really feel and if someone says something that's offensive before I tell them what's wrong, I will keep what's bothering me to myself. I also have a huge heart so I feel everything strongly. If I tell someone that I love them and I care, I actually mean it. Even if I stop talking to that person, I still care for them and look over them without making it obvious. I also get attached to people very quickly and I hurt very badly when they leave. So yes. I had to learn to cry quietly because I care too much for people to allow them to care for me.