October 1st, 2018,
Today started off great I slept in, because I was up late but I'd rather not say why.
I went downstairs and my mom had made me breakfast, I was happy about that but I wasn't really hungry I don't know why but I go through phases where I don't want to eat at all.
I had finally had my first kiss but I was still wondering and trying to discover an describe my own feelings to myself, my mom still didn't know but I wanted to keep it that way, I was really nervous as to what she would say or how she would react.
I wasn't sure how to feel about everything... I really think I do like him I thought but I didn't want to think that to early without thinking and be impulsive with my feelings and end up getting hurt in the end.
I was already depressed and my anxiety was really high, they were both things that weighed me down on a daily basis... everyday I would wake up and just want to lay in bed for hours, I had no motivation to do anything but sleep and just lie there.
I was also having suicidal thoughts in a daily basis and was self harming when the smallest thing would happen, I was trying out of hand for not only myself but for my family. I was wondering really considering killings myself, nobody would care would they... you probably thought, no and and so did I.
I was afraid he wouldn't care, that he would like me for who I am. As days went on I started changing to look " prettier" I was wearing tons more makeup, watching the clothes I wore while hanging out with him, doing my hair and just changing everything.
It came to a point where I had cuts all over my arms my legs and I was threatening to kill my self over every little thing, even when my mom said no or if he said something even if he was joking around I would always think about killing myself... I still do everyday.
I told his sister who was my best friend how I felt about him and he automatically changed his actions towards me. He started hugging me, kissing me and being overall nice to me. I was happy to hang around him I go over almost every night and if I didn't I would message them.
The first time I had laid my eyes on him I knew I loved him... I know this sounds dramatic but I knew like I loved being around I knew he liked me he had told his sisters and I could tell.
He legit shared everything with me including some things that were technically considered in my eyes TMI but I thought it was funny... so I was ok with it.
He would sit beside me on the couch and cancelled plans with friends to hangout with me, but I wasn't ready to date and neither was he... we labeled it as friends with some benefits. We have watched movies together and hangout together.
His sister ( my best friend ) gave me advice on him and got him to hold my hand, she would get him to do everything I loved and everything other girls loved like getting their thigh touched and getting cuddles.
