I accept that we're through. I accept that the past will not come back or I will not go back to the past. I accept that you don't see me like how you did. I accept it all, but is accepting enough to not make me think of all of it?
After all these time, it is still you. Or at least the person you were. I miss us. I miss you. I miss the time we had. I miss our disputes. I miss how we loved each other. I miss waking up and feeling excited to live, all because of you. I miss it all.
Bad decisions led to this. Led to me being so miserable. Led to me not being able to love someone else. Led to me feeling lonely. Led to me hating myself. Each day, I have to act like you never affect me. Each day as someone asked me about my past, I would tell them about us, about what we had with a normal tone, like I'm very okay. Deeply, I always feel like crying when you came in my conversations.
I never avoid to speak of you to people despite knowing I'll be hurt. I love talking about you and the past we had. I love talking about how good things were even though my heart shatters every time I say "I guess it didn't work out".
I hated how we ended. We ended in a good way, which was the worst part of it. I have nothing to hate on, I have nothing to lash my anger at, I have nothing to remind myself that things will be better because things were amazing with you. Or at least this is what I feel now.
It is the past that I'm still stuck with. It's all those memories we had, we didn't do everything we wanted to and honestly it wasn't that much of things we did. But it was really something that I know I'll always wish to experience all of it again. As I write this, I feel pathetic for being like this. I feel weak. I feel like shit.
I guess you're my first love and this is why all of these are tougher than it should. We learnt about love from each other. We became more matured with each other. Our life decisions were affected by each other. Maybe, you will never leave and will always have a special spot, forever as you were one that taught me what love is actually about.
I thought I love this one girl, but I can't help but to compare how I feel when I'm with her and how I was when I'm with you. I never had enough of you. I want to see you as much as I could. I would do so much just to see you, just to talk to you. But I realized I wasn't anywhere near that with her. As I deny that I don't always think of you, deny that I'm always okay when we reply to each other's story, I'm wrong for denying it. I think of you a lot, I still get excited when I see your name pop out and it hurts to think when we talk I cannot call you names like sayang or small girl like how I used to.
I still keep some small notes you gave me. I still have a lot of your selfies and our pictures in my old phone. It is too hard to delete them and I do not plan to. Some part of me, small part, tiny bit part of me really wish you are still the one and all the pics will come back and we could talk back and rewind the past, together. Realistically, that will not happen. I know that. I have to accept that and I am accepting it. I miss you so much small girl. I still do till this day and I honestly fucking hate it that I do.
I miss it when we hug and your head is perfectly beneath my chin. I miss it when we kiss and you somehow always make me crave for more. I miss it when I tease and you make that "angry" face. I miss it all.
It's been a while since I cry or even tear up over this matter. I don't know who else to go to but here. Sometimes I'm ashamed to show that I'm still really affected by you after so long. I promised myself I'm going to be okay. Told myself it'll be better. But I can't hold it while I'm writing all of these. I really do miss you, small girl.
10/10/18
