Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

A Potty In Every Port

And every woman will be forced to do this?

No. Just the hot ones. The uggos can serve in a different way.

And that way is?

Cleaning out the port-a-potties.

You've really given this a lot of thought. A disturbing amount of thought, in fact. But don't you think that will upset a lot of women?

Who cares what a bunch of whores think?

And there goes the women vote.

Women can vote?

Of course. In any case, the issue I was talking about was, how do we get rid of zombies?

Oh, brother. Here we go again.

What do you mean?

This is just another example of the smartypantses looking down their noses at the rest of us.

Not the rest of us. Zombies.

There ain't no such thing as zombies.

Ummm... then what are they?

They're dumb people, same as me.

They're a lot dumber than you. Wow. Those are words I never thought I'd hear myself say.

Let's be honest, son. Zombies never hurt nobody.

They've literally hurt thousands of people.

Then why haven't I seen that on the news?

I'm guessing... because you don't watch the news?

You got that right, son! If I wanted to see a bunch of lies, I'd watch Dr. Dolittle 2 again.

Dr. Dolittle 2 was not a lie.

A talking bear? Come on, son! Don't piss on my leg and tell me they're raisins.

Uhhh... I think you've confused "lie" with "fiction

What's the difference?

A lie is something not true. Fiction is something not true for entertainment purposes.

All I know is when I told my parole officer that I missed my appointment because of a talking bear, he said I was lying and sent be back to the slammer. Next time, I'll tell 'em it's just fiction. I'm sure he'll be good with that. By the way, do I still need to see my parole officer when I'm president?

I'm not a constitutional scholar, so...

Hopefully I can at least get this ankle monitor off me. It chafes.

Speaking of the presidency, have you given any thought to your cabinet?

I dunno. Walnut?

My fault. Should have seen that coming. Any thoughts about a vice president?

Vice president? Is that anything like a vice cop?

Uh, no. It's your replacement in the event you die.

So if I die, he becomes president?

Correct.

Then I'm definitely not having one of those.

Because?

Because if I die he becomes president! Ain't you ever heard of a motive?

Are you at all concerned that you know literally nothing about the job of president?

Did Washington know anything about the job of president? Did Lincoln? Did Whitmore?

Yes. Yes. And Whitmore was the fictional President from the movie Independence Day, but also yes.

Then why didn't I see that in the history books?

I'm guessing... you don't read history books?

Damn right I don't! If I cared about old dead guys I wouldn't rob their graves, now, would I?

You rob graves?

It's not a full-time thing or anything. Just my side hustle.

Wow. You are not a good person.

I never said I was perfect.

True. So who is running your campaign?

Just three people. Me, myself, I, and me.

That's it?

That's it. Oh, except for the billionaire that's bankrolling me.

Which billionaire?

Don't know. Haven't met him.

You're not even curious?

What's the saying? Never look a suitcase full of money in the horse?

Close enough, I guess. But it seems to me that you have some very problematic views that might rub voters the wrong way. How do you expect to win?

Eh. Between all my fellow dumb people and the zombies, as you call 'em, I should do just fine.

Um... you know that zombies can't vote, right?

Why not?

Because they're zombies.

Wait... zombies can't vote, but women can? How does that make any sense?

That's just the way it is.

And you're sure about that?

Pretty sure.

Well. We'll see.