Some random things

Explaining me

Where to start. I was optimistic and extroverted. I had anger issues, still do but not as bad. I have major depression. I mean major. Every night I stay up really late just to cry myself to sleep in the end. Everyday's boring. Usually with little laughter. Or fake laughter. I listen to sad songs just to see if I can relate to any. Never. I have so many friends online. It compares to the few I have in real life. I like when I can feel cared for. So when I'm online I feel best....I sometimes turn my hate of others to hate on myself. I care about the people in this world. I hate when things are different.

I was told that when I left my old school everything changed there. Everything for the worse. I feel horrible about it even if all my friends are out of that school now. I like to tell stories. Writing even if it's just about my sad, depressing, crappy life. I want someone to read my journal and say that it isn't a journal. That everything will truly be fine. I want someone to day that they'll be with me. I write my secrets just to find no one knowing. I keep too much in me. I don't compare myself to others. I compare to who I used to be.

I love my friends. I hate people saying sorry for things that were obviously on purpose. I hate feeling lonely. I hate not being on here. I hate that I'm writing this. I hate my secrets. I hate my life. I love my past. I wish I didn't have to move. I wish my parents old computer never broke. I wish I could find my mom's old phone. I'd download Wattpad on there and sneak on whenever I feel like crying.

I cry in secret. Scared to do it in public. Scared to do it at home. I know what it feels like to be both physically and mentally abused. I'm still learning to forgive. To forget. I've never held grudges this bad. I've wanted to die. I won't. I'm scared. Scared to death. I've already felt it. It's happened a lot. My heart stops for a moment and I fall to the ground. I curl up in a ball. My back hurts. Not now. But right after I talk to myself. I don't have a phone. Why would I need one. All my life is, is online. It's just there from trying to annoy my friend.

No one's just pm'd me for no reason. I wish they did. Someone that I don't know. "I can understand." Is all I need. I'm not going to die without a reason. When I'm old and my back hurts more than something to almost break my bones I'll find a reason. I'm just ranting. I've created too much vent art these past days. I'm back. I miss everyone. I miss my friends. My true friends. The people I'd trust with my life. The people I'd happily pretend to stab as long as I didn't have to kill them.

Has anyone else had so many people want them to commit suicide? Anyone be bullied in school and out? Anyone have problems start so fast and keep piling? Anyone hoping that they can die but still live? Anyone hope that their parents could get divorced just so they could escape a single parent? Anyone run away just to come back to the dark memories of life.

Whether side pains, heartaches, back pains, headaches or feelings being broken it hurts. A lot. I've learned to stand up. A bit. Now to lose the feelings that came from not standing up, from not knowing. I hate being stupid but I am. I can't read feelings and when I can I read into them too much. I question when I shouldn't. I talk when I shouldn't. And don't when I should. Don't ask.

Ask me questions but be okay if I don't answer for awhile. I don't like random questions....I get them from annoying guys at school. I don't know. I guess I'mma just a random bean!

*smiles* Now let's forget I'm depressing. And uh. AND Sh-I mean I'm listening to music. Lemme listen. I'm listening to nowhere land at this point. Never heard the original. Listening to nightcore. And now a sad song. Oh where has my life gone. *looks everywhere* Oh wait I know! *Draws the words 'my life' with black blood dripping out of the word 'life'* perfect!

I'm random and a bit funny when I'm not sad or sarcastic. I can have one feeling and a totally different one off. So if I'm acting really happy you might wanna ask. Unless I'm actually really excited which may include squeals and other fan-girly behavior. It's called fangirlizim, live with it. Love it.

Now to finish my homework.....I'mma gonna just talk to myself because I'm lonely. If anyone wants to talk. I've learned to be a good listener. Mostly through interruptions whenever I try to speak and being yelled at for interrupting them. I'm sorry mom. But you and dad gotta learn someday.

If anyone read 'till here. Thanks. Akira, Ash, Destiny, Mari, Foxity, Life, whoever. I'm here for you. And let's hope you're here also. Agh! My heart's starting to hurt. Let's hope it's not irregular breathing again....Or something of the sort.

~Bunny

I'll show you the songs I relate to....

I like it okay. Who cares if the musics a bit upbeat. I haven't completely lost myself. This'll forever be one of my favorite songs and describe me. I love OceanLab.

I think those are the two songs that fit me most. I hope the best for everyone. Even if it means losing myself completely. Someone save me.

I guess I also relate to 'Welcome to my life' but that's a song for another matter like maybe a funeral of my mind. Oh wait forgetting I've already had about a million of those. Ya it talks about being abused and sadness and no one understanding. Anyways....I'll just listen now.