At first it isn't bad, people are annoying, so being alone can't be all that bad. Some people even like it. But you don't like it, after a while it gets to be a bit of an annoyance, why can't people want to hang out with you? Of course you won't invite them over because you "like being alone". If they really knew you they'd know you were lying. It gets worse the longer it stays, eventually you've given up, everything is terrible. Fun things aren't fun because you're doing them alone, and you start to lose interest in things. Then you find out that you have depression. You aren't surprised, you've known that something was wrong with you for a long time. Ever since people stopped caring.
Love.
She's gorgeous. Everything you think you've wanted since three seconds ago when you decided she was it. And you thought she was, until you started talking to her. She likes you, but she doesn't like your friend, she thinks he's annoying. You can't imagine life without your friend, so you tell her that you wont stop hanging out with him, she says it's whatever and you guys start talking. Over time she has you hanging out with her more and your friend less, you eventually lose touch. You never even realized, until the day she did it, that she had been planning on dumping you from the start. Now you're alone, no friend, and no girlfriend to share your life with. Life gets hard, but eventually you cope. Then, after a while, you find another girl, stunning, more so than the first. And she likes you. Your heart does flips. But in the back of your head you remembered the last time. And so you think. Well, maybe I didn't show her how I felt enough, maybe I was to distant, you think. So this time you're close, you show affection. You do everything you can. You send her love notes, and messages in another language, just so she has to translate them and she'd see the messages. But, you went to far. She tells you that you're sweet, but things are moving to fast, she feels smothered. And just like that, it's over. It's hard, harder than the first time. As if maybe the more you love the more you hurt. That has to be it right? You love and then it hurts. So you stop loving. It's not hard, the ones who you could love don't love you so doing nothing is natural. You get lonely. It feels familiar, and you remember why you wanted love in the first place. Not just to have love, but to have someone to love. And someone who would make the loneliness go away. You feel like it never went away. As if the girls had only distracted you from the truth of your reality. The pain a stinging curtain of agony over the slow ache and agony of the all too familiar facts of your life. You retreat.
True love.
Maybe love is stupid. Maybe it's over rated. Maybe you don't need it. You tell yourself that. And you believe it. And then she appears. She wasn't supposed to. The plan was simple. Spend some time with a female friend, have sex, leave. Who needed love when it could be this efficient, this easy. But then she was there. And it wasn't easy. She had eyes that made you want to look longer, a body that made you feel more stronger, and a personality that struck you deeper than any before. You tried to pay attention to the reason you were there. The female friend. The sex. You need to stay focused. But you can't. She is right there, on the other side of the room. Talking as though she doesn't know how crazy she is driving you. It's pissing you off. But you aren't mad. You feel strange. It's similar to something you've felt before but, different. You can't quite place it but it gets in the way. You go home without having sex. You aren't upset, you didn't care about the female friend. All you could think about was the way the new girl's lips looked while she talked, how beautiful her eyes were when she looked at you, and how her voice made your stomach hide in your toes. You need to talk to her again. You ask the female friend if she could connect you. She agrees, but she seems upset about something. You ignore it. And so you text the girl. She doesn't answer immediately. So you wait. And wait. And wait. And then you go to sleep. The sleep is nice, it's quiet. Peaceful. And then an interruption, sudden enough that it may have been just your imagination. You start to drift off again. Ding. Now you're mad. Once could be a mistake, your imagination. Twice means it's real. You don't forget the girl momentarily. In silent rage you grab your phone so that you have a direction to send your unbridled, unnecessary rage. And then when you see the name it vaporizes, like boiling water in winter. The sight of her name and picture reminds you of the girl, and the way she made you feel. You text her back, she responds. This continues for hours. Then days, then weeks, then months. Then it hits you. Love. It's so different from before that you didn't recognize it, but now that you are more familiar with her and the novelty has settled you see it for what it was. Its stronger, yet somehow fragile. As though it were a great stone tower built on a foundation of glass. But maybe. Just maybe. This could become something special. Whether or not i could, you know to be more careful this time.
