dear digital diary / vent

entry 2

hahaha so i think this is really just me spewing aboyt this boy who has been rlly getting me down lately and our whole backstory everything so when i finish explaining we can all talk about how stupid i am and how stupid he is and how we both kinda radiate dumbass energy u feel me bro

anyways .
january 2017 i went back to public school (i was homeschooled, i am again now though) and since i joined right before the first semester was over they were having auditions for a spring musical. i wanted to audition but decided i wouldn't so i could have time for homework and to not be stressed af yaknow? anyways. since i had been to public school before, i already had some friends in classes from middle school (i was a freshman) so i'd hang with some of them in the mornings by the music wing because that was my hangout spot for some reason. on A days, first period, i'd have freshman chorus. on B days first period, was advanced chorus for grades 10-12. so clearly i wasnt in that class duh. but since i hung out there in the mornings everyday i'd see the students who took that class. one of them was this really cute senior. he knew my friend autumn, who i'd sit with in the mornings. he'd stop and talk to her sometimes, but i'd always catch him looking at me even if i never said a word. i only knew him as noodle head for a couple weeks because of his bleached blonde hair (its not blonde anymore thank god) anyways. i didnt audition for the musical but the day after auditions noodle head was walking past me in the hall and just said "join the musical" as him and i passed eachother. we were both going literally in opposite directions it was so weird to me.

but then like magic, my drama teacher came up to me the next day after chorus and asked if i wanted to join, since i was in a drama and chorus class, and seemed talented in both classes. see the school i went to is really underfunded and not many people participated in extra curriculars, especially not the plays / musicals. so i went yeah whatever fuck it i was gonna audition anyways sure i'll join. so i stayed after school the next monday and didn't actually really do anything but then i noticed noodle head (i then learned his name is skyler) was there too. him and i didnt really talk much, he'd just mess with me sometimes. in a playful way though like "haha i'm gonna pull your hair cause i like you and don't know how to express it" mess with you. anyways he asked me if i liked this boy and i was like??? uh??? idk??? and i was like here text me about it because i'm so confused. so we started texting a lot more after that. and see at the time i was in a long distance relationship with this boy but things were getting rocky because we were both v busy and distant so i was like ??? skyler What Do I Do . after a few weeks though, towards the end of february him and i ended up breaking up (cue breaking up is hard to do) and then in that same night skyler told me he liked me. and i deadass big reciprocated that energy but then i was like hol' up.
you have a girlfriend what ????
i wish this was the conclusion where i say i cut him off and that men are trash but that's not what happened
and he was like yeahhh like thats an obstacle like... yeah... it is...

but like eventually i was like whatever (which was SO dumb of me but whatever) and him and i "talked" as the kids call it, for monthsss. i remember mid march tho smthn happened that deeply affected my mental health tho so that was a big issue. anyways back to the musical stuff so theres this girl and her name is greyson and she was supposed to play the lead role of jane in the musical but she ended up quitting and since i was just ensemble they gave the role to me. so i started highlighting my lines and im going through and i found out that skylers character and my character both shared a kiss like Oh Okay. so THIS is why he always told me he wished it was me playing jane lmao awesome. so yeah him and i talked awhile and had to kiss a lot bc our director is that one weird af director that made us practice kisses,???

anyways the musical ended april 28 and then he left school a month later bc he was a senior and he graduated smh so i started seeing him less and i had a fit and cut off like most of my hair and my mental health was so down the drain where i just wasnt at a healthy enough mindset to be talking to someone and so i ended up cutting him off big oops. and then i spoke with him in november for a bit that year, and then i saw him at his work in february 2018 and i could barely make eye contact with him. it hurt too much. i had grown so close to him freshman year that i definitely fell in love with that kid and cutting him out hurt so bad. but then this year early may he reached out to me just to see how i was and i snapped on him for no reason which was a dick move of me but i apparently hurt him really bad too and :( big ouch energy.