FEAR 2014

My mum keeps referring to my ‘breakdown’. Cars breakdown. But according to the doctors I, apparently, am in a right old state, hence the referral to the CBT chap and the medication.

So, as I’ve said, my simple plan was to drive home, confess…I hadn’t thought beyond that. That was over a month ago and in that time two significant things have happened. One, I had my mental episode. Two, my friend died. I’ll start with the breakdown.

I’m really not sure how to describe that day; I don’t remember most of it. Actually that’s not strictly accurate either. I thought I remembered it just fine; it felt like a few minutes had passed. It wasn’t until afterwards, when the police came and later still when I was referred to the doctor and then the therapist, that it was explained to me how long I’d been sitting there. That surprised me and I suppose I still can’t quite believe it. I don’t feel any different to normal, not really, but for some reason, that day seemed to be when it all fell apart.

I think what I mean by that is that to me, that day, it felt the same as any other day. I felt like I was…thinking I suppose. Pondering my next move. I set off from Bradford where I live and was driving to Lancaster and just stopped for a break, stopped to think and I was happy doing that when all of a sudden a policeman tapped me on the arm. I was honestly bewildered. I imagine my protests that I’d only been there a few minutes must have made me seem particularly loopy. But as I said before, I couldn’t believe it and it’s taking a lot of effort to go along with it even now if I’m being really truthful. My mind is telling me I’m essentially fine, by my own standards, and that on that day I was only sitting there for a short time. But because the police and Dr Watson are telling me different, then I’m supposed to go along with it.

Basically I’m being asked to take it on trust that I had this mental collapse and that’s hard to do when I don’t feel different today than I have for the last week, month or year. I suppose it’s different for them, it’s new. I’ve been living with this for ten years.

The first step, apparently, is to come to terms with the events that led to the breakdown. After all these years I think I can say with some confidence that it’s not something you come to terms with, hence the collapse I suppose.

My therapist has asked me to reflect on my behaviour, my situation etc. Obviously he has no clue as to the truth of the matter and I wasn’t about to make him the first person I shared it with. I know that sometimes it’s easier to share things with a stranger but not when you know that person is making a judgement based on your answers. That said, I was quite happy to be there, talking, answering questions, seeing where I fell on various scales, completing tests to see just how serious my condition is. But I’m not convinced the results will be that accurate since I haven’t shared everything. Then again, maybe they anticipate that type of behaviour in patients.

Anyway, as I’ve said already all this happened a few weeks ago and on the back of these sessions my therapist suggested I record my thoughts and feelings relating to the events which led to my breakdown. It can be as structured or random as I want. Apparently some people like to imagine they’re talking to a friend, others that they’re dictating a diary or journal. The purpose is just to get my thoughts out but again I have a problem with that because I don’t know who will hear what I say. More importantly I don’t know how they’ll react to it. Then again, if things pan out like I think they will, it won’t matter who listens to it. I mean, I haven’t got another CBT session until the end of next week and by then this will all be over, so I don’t suppose it matters a damn what I say into this machine.