BLUE [BXB]

EIGHTEEN (II)

   "But that's the thing!" he protested, looking at the verge of tears. "It's never intentional! I just—I get these random bursts of anger, and my head gets all twisted up and I never know what to do or feel, so I just snap at him. Then I realize what I'm doing and I feel really bad, but, by then, the damage is already done."

   "So let's think about it. All the times you've gotten angry and hurt Vincent—why? What was the reason?"

   Ethan took a minute before he started talking, "I guess, at first, it was because he's a boy and I knew I liked him but I didn't wanna admit it, so I tried to push him away," he said. "But, now, I don't care that he's a boy anymore. I like him so much, Mom, but I know I don't deserve him. I know I'm just gonna hurt him, and I'm so scared of getting too close, or maybe—maybe..."

   "Or maybe he'll hurt you?" she finished.

   He nodded, his eyes prickling. "Maybe he'll realize I'm not worth it, realize he'll always be too good for me. And then he'd leave me. Just like that."

   Truth was, Ethan had never allowed himself to be vulnerable. Sure, he'd been with a lot of people—some he actually liked, for that matter—but whenever he'd feel himself starting to care a bit too much, he'd up and leave them. He'd never trusted anyone to hold so much power over him, and he'd lived his entire life thinking he never would.

   But then, a certain blue-eyed boy waltzed into his life and messed all of that up for him. Suddenly, Ethan wasn't sure what he wanted, and that terrified him. Ethan was always sure. And so, naturally, he wanted to push the source of discomfort out of his life. And it worked. For only a little while.

   What quickly proved to be a fatal error in his plan was that his 'source of discomfort' was also one of the only things in his life that brought him true joy. And so his brain battled: between wanting to push away all signs of potential danger and wanting to hold onto the delicious happiness it brought him.

   Vincent was just so amazing: cute and witty and funny and talented. Ethan, on the other hand, was none of those things. Sure, he was the popular quarterback, but he had nothing else going for him. He was good at football, maybe, but he didn't like it enough to want to pursue it professionally. He didn't have school smarts, street smarts, or any smarts. Why would anyone want him? 

   Stephanie retracted her embrace so she could look Ethan in the eye. "I know what's going on up there," she tapped his head. "Stop it. You are worth it, baby. And not just because I'm your mom. You're loving and caring and passionate and funny and determined and handsome," she listed. "Sweet—when you want to be. And I'm sure Vincent sees all of that in you. Otherwise, he wouldn't be upstairs waiting for you, not after you hurt him."

   Ethan sighed, "...I guess so..."

   "I know so," she asserted. "I get it, he holds so much power over you, and it's scary, I know. But without our vulnerability, would we even be human? Would anything be real? We've got to be raw sometimes, otherwise, we're going to shrink in on ourselves and we'll never find a way out. You won't even know who you are, if you spend your whole life pretending. Sure, opening up might screw us over, might break our hearts, but how else will we learn? How else will we love and grow and start families? How else can we better ourselves? Your vulnerability doesn't make you weak, baby. It makes you human. It makes you beautiful."

   Ethan was speechless, he couldn't formulate coherent thoughts, but he didn't need to, because his tears had already begun falling. "I'm so sorry..." 

   He didn't know what he was apologizing for, only felt that he needed to get that off his chest. Stephanie shook her head. "I'm not the one you should be saying that to. There's a beautiful boy up there—probably worried out of his mind thinking he did something wrong. Are you gonna make it up to him?"

   Ethan nodded. He was tired of running, tired of not being able to catch his breath. He wiped at his face, making a move to stand up. He couldn't get far, though, because Stephanie grabbed his arm and pulled him back. Confused, he felt her place something in his hand. Smiling cheekily, she added, "This might come in handy."

   Ethan chuckled, shaking his head. "You know I love you, right?"

   When Ethan stepped back in his room, Vincent—who had been pacing—rushed over to him frantically. "Listen, Ethan, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have—"

   "Stop," Ethan interrupted, effectively silencing him. "You have nothing to apologize for."

   "But—"

   "Can you close your eyes for a second?" Ethan asked. Vincent raised a suspicious eyebrow, but did as he was told nonetheless. Ethan took a step closer and raised the hand that was holding Stephanie's gift, allowing the ornament to dangle above their heads. Then, "Open your eyes."

   Vincent's attention was instantaneously drawn to Ethan's hand above his head, that he didn't notice how close the other boy was. Ethan admired Vincent's face, watching as his reaction changed from confusion to understanding then shock. He finally looked back at Ethan, a silent question dancing behind his bright eyes. Before Ethan could talk himself out of it, he whispered,

   "You're under the mistletoe." Then he kissed him.

special thanks to @sadening for the amazing painting.