venting

why is my best always not good enough for you? you've said that me trying my best isn't good enough for you the only thing I want to do is make you happy and proud of me and I've tried so hard. sometimes I cry myself to sleep knowing I will never be enough for you.when you saw the things on my arm you acted liked you cared but now that you can't see it anymore you act like nothing happened and when I was going to get some help you canceled it because of school and now it's starting to get worse I can barely get out of bed in the morning or find motivation to do anything  and the thoughts of hurting my self are starting to come back I feel like I'm barely holding on. I'm struggling to find my purpose I can never do anything right, I'm not talented at anything so what's so special about me why am I here? I don't know anymore and whenever I try to tell you how I fell you never listen I don't fell herd which is probably why I don't tell you anything anymore. you were never there for me you were always at work which is fine but you need to take a break and spend some time with your kids. you left ous with our aunt that has been more of a parent then both of you.she was someone I could talk to but now she moved so now I don't really feel comfortable which is probably why I'm posting this on the internet I can find people who listen and help me with my problems and don't make me feel like I chose this which is something you've said. I didn't choose to think about all of these thoughts going through my head.when you aid that when you where growing up people didn't have time to be depressed I'm sorry it just gets so bad sometimes that I can't find a reason to get up if I'm just going to fail at everything again. the reason I'm on my phone all the time isn't that I'm lazy its because that's where all my friend is and the things that help me get through the toughest days that's why I listen to music all day it helps me feel like I'm not alone. i don't know what to do anymore.