My eyes are closed. I open my mouth and place a single ice cube onto my tounge. I breathe out. I feel the tingling sensation as my mouth slowly starts to burn, then numb, with just the right level of discomfort. I open my eyes and stare at the sky, there's something calming about the clouds, the way the tiny, wispy ones are like slowed down waves swirling in the bluest water, the way every single one is different and unique each defined, each highlighted. The big clouds are either fluffy or feirce with no in between. So powerful yet so far away. I sigh and sit up because just for a moment I forgot.
The only time I feel at peace, the only time I feel normal is when I sit by the sea watching each wave, looking for every tiny detail that's scriblled into them, I like the feeling I get when I sit there just staring, I can't explain it but its a good feeling
It makes me feel as if my problems are insignificant against the power of the ocean, it can kill you, it can help you escape or it can make you feel weightless. Just like the voices that dictate your life, telling you what to eat, what to say, where to go. Making every single decision for you, without your own knowledge, without your own consent.
I never wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to stop.
I have anxiety, and depression, and ocd, and I'm recovering from eating disorders. Always by one get two free isn't it? Or three or four or five.
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Switch off
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Sev-
"Tamah, we're gonna be late, get your ass down here and get some breakfast down you" mum shouts up the stairs.
Eight
Nine
Switch on
One
Two
Three
"Tamah. Now"
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Switch off.
I stare at the cheerios swimming in my milk, I've been chewing the same mouthful for the past five minutes, it feels like lukewarm mushed up beans. Its gross.
I have to count to nine at least 30 times, with three seconds in between before I can take another mouthful.
I'm not normally this bad, but I have a maths test today and I can't do it. Its my first gcse exam, I haven't slept more than two hours for the past two weeks. I've been revising till 1 and then it takes me two hours to do my nightly routine, then I lie in bed worrying and stressing, thinking about everything and nothing for around an hour or more. Then I sleep. Then I wake up at six.
