I was having a panic attack kinda mixed with an anxiety attack and I wrote this to maybe calm my nerves
"
Today is not today. Today is not right.
Solo.
solo.
Solo.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Lost.
Lost.
Lost.
I'm scared.
Work.
Work.
Work.
Maybe if you do work you will stop thinking. In doesn't work.
Type.
Type.
Type.
I press the keys harder than ever.
There looking.
There looking.
There looking.
They see you freaking out. You feel there eyes on you. You can't go crazy. You just can't.
Breath.
Relax.
Calm..
Usless.
Dead.
Unloved.
Panic attack.
Anxiety attack.
I DON'T CARE. It needs to go away. Not in class please go away. Breathing is hard. Gasping for air. No one seems to see.
Fear.
Fear.
Fear.
Run.
Run.
Run.
I want to run away from here from class. From them. I want to scream. The stress. I need to leave.
Bathroom.
Bathroom.
Bathroom.
The answer is no. I have to sit in here. I feel like dying. Tears pricking at my eyes. No crying. Don't show weakness. You can't let people see you're weak. Cover it up with a shaky breath and a smile. You want to curl up in a ball and disappear.
Invisible.
Invisible.
Invisible.
I wish go be invisible. To go unseen. In the halls I'm nonexistent but when I'm in class everyone sees me. I feel them judging me with their eyes.
GO AWAY.
GO AWAY.
GO AWAY.
GO THE FUCK AWAY.
You need to calm down. You need a walk. You need to run. You need home. You need him. To run into the comfort of his arms but he's too far. Much too far. Message him. You can't. I want to see him. I need to see him.
Fear.
Scared.
Anxiety.
I don't want it, anxiety it needs to leave me... the twitching the studdering. It throws the signs to hide. To burrow into the ground hiding yourself from all possible beings. To get away from all the things that stress me that makes me scared that make my anxiety shoot through the roof. It's all still here in the end my fear, my anxiety, how scared I am. I just need to get away from this. I need freedom. I need to run.
Today is not today. Today is not right...
"
