Christmas Tree

Buddha Help Me

   It was a lovely June's evening as Heman hung up his tree for the holidays. He sighed contently as he put his hands on his hips. The lights in all of the rooms in his average home were dim, though his lights on the tree shined brightly. "It is a perfect day for me to hang up this non-specific holiday tree. Also myself."

   "HELLO IT IS I, THE GREAT MICHEAL JACKSON!" An angry man screamed quickly as he burst through the wall of Heman's house.

   Heman's brows furrowed. "Why the fuck do I care and what are you doing in my living arrangements dressed in... That?"

   "It is a dress, Heman. A fucking dress." Irritation was clear in Micheal's voice.

   "What for, Micheal Jackson?" Heman put his hands on his hips as he glared at the strange man.

   "For I am the great don't-fucking-kill-yourself-fairy! Here to keep you from ending your life." Micheal explained with forced enthusiasm.

   Heman simply rolled his eyes. "Well you don't seem to be doing a very good job of it."

   A smirk came up upon Micheal's face as he adjusted his blue dress, squaring himself up. He then walked up closer to Heman and hit the blond on the top of his head with his wand.

   "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR YOU FESTERING PILE OF MONKEY SKIN?!" Heman shouted angrily as he shoved the smaller man away.

   "It's my dick-stick. You're now gay," Micheal informed him calmly.

   Heman restrained himself from slaughtering the man. "I thought you prevented suicide?!" He exclaimed, his hands clenching into fists

   "Exactly," Micheal purred. "Don't you feel happier already?" He asked suggestively as he slowly started to lift the hem of his dress up, an alluring look in his probably-also-plastic eyes.

   Heman shielded his eyes from the site that was going to reveal itself (literally) in front of him. "I FEEL THE EXACT OPPOSITE WITH YOU AROUND- WOULD YOU STOP HITTING ME WITH WANDS?!"

   "That one was my anti-dick-stick. You clearly don't appreciate my efforts," Micheal explained to him in a serious tone of voice.

   Heman, both confused and pissed, scrunched his face as he glared at the other male. "WHAT EFFORTS ARE YOU MAKING?!"

   "Efforts for the suicidal," was all Micheal said.

   "Well if you really want to make me less suicidal, why don't you help me finish my tree?" Heman gestured over to his non-specific holiday tree.

   "That's Forrest Gump," Micheal corrected him while once again adjusting his dress.

   "That's what?" Heman took another look over at his tree. "HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT AND WHY THE FUCK AM I TURNED ON?!"

   "...Guess I had my wands mixed up, whoops." Micheal shrugged and the Seinfeld track played in the background.

   "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!" Heman screeched as he cowered away from his supposed-to-be-but-now-Forrest-Gump-non-specific-tree in fear.

  "I have a Forrest Gump stick too," Micheal said.

   "WHHHYYYY??!" Heman flipped his monkey shit.

   "I don't know man, it's just a stick, no need to have a stroke over it," Micheal pursed his lips and once again adjusted his recurring dress.

   "YOU PUT THIS MONSTER IN MY HOUSE AND THEN MADE ME SEXUALLY AROUSED BY IT!" Heman stated the obvious while he tore his throat apart with the sheer anger in his voice.