CREPPYPASTA

The Nice Guy (part 1)

"The manager looked up from polishing and buffing his prized six hundred pound marble desk to the completed pile of papers with a look of complete shock. How could one man complete that report in only 7 1/2 short hours? His eyes then shifted from the report to glare viciously to look upon Phil's calm, lucid face. "Anything else I can do to help?" smiled Phil. The manager simply shook his head in disbelief. "OK, well I'm going to head out for the day, sir. You have yourself a great evening.""

"The manager was flabbergasted. He steeled his motives and vowed that he would try harder to break this man's spirit by the end of the week."

"Well, the end of the week came and went and still Phil was as cheerful as ever. Always responding to every outrageous task with a happy, "Sure thing." And then turning in the completed work to the manager at the end of the day with a pleasant, "Anything else I can do to help?" Well this went on for a few weeks and the manager, now seeing that current efforts were fruitless, now decided that maybe he needed to up the ante. The manager would now bombard Phil with major accounts and lengthy business trips and tedious conferences all to quell his passion that Phil must be broken. But with every new and more difficult task, Phil would embrace it with a 'Sure thing, boss' and come back for more with a sunny 'Anything else I can do to help?'"

"The manager, now at his wits end had one more trick up his sleeve. Although, his lack of concentration on the job he was hired for was beginning to come under fire, he wanted to give it one more shot before, he, himself had to face the firing squad. He got it in his head that it was the breaks in-between each eight hour day that was allowing Phil to wind down regain his bearings, get a good night's sleep and come back the next day ready for more. So, with that in mind, he gave Phil the budget report for the following year and told him, 'I don't care how long it takes, but you cannot leave your desk, until we trim at least five million dollars off of next year's budget.' As always, Phil replied with his trademark 'Sure thing, boss.' The manager turned away knowing that this task would be Phil's breaking point. And, like clockwork, Phil came into the manager's office with the completed budget and handed it to him. 'Anything else I can do to help?'  The manager looked over the budget, 'Eh, I really don't' like these numbers.' The manager threw the report back at Phil. 'Do it all over, and this time… do it right!' Phil's smile sagged a little, but soon rebounded and turned around and headed back to his desk."

"The manager saw Phil's smile buckle for just a moment and he chuckled to himself that his plan is finally working. Eight O'clock rolls around and Phil returns back to the manager's office. But Phil looks a bit different. His hair a bit disheveled. His horn rimmed glasses are now on his forehead. one corner of his shirt has become untucked from his pants. Phil's stride isn't as carefree. Phil hands the report to the manager and exasperatedly utters, 'Anything else I can do to help, sir?'  The manager, now seeing victory close at hand looks at the report, 'Uh, Phil. I think you made some miscalculations here.'  The manager hands the report back to Phil, 'Do it again, and remember what I said! You stay until it's complete!'"

"Phil, dejected, defeated, disappointed, looks at the report in his hands, wiped the sweat from his brow, and scratched the back of his neck. The nearly broken man headed back to his desk to correct his errors. As soon as Phil left his office, the manager closed the door and danced a twisted victory dance. Phil was nearly gone. The manager was going to sleep good that night."

"At 11 O'clock, Phil trudged back into the manager's office and handed him the completed and corrected report. Exhausted, Phil asked 'Is there anything else I can do to help, sir?'  The manager, now a shining example of pure arrogance, threw the report on the floor and exclaimed, 'Why did you do the budget for next year? I asked you to do the budget for THIS year. Can't you even follow simple instructions? I want you to march back to your pathetic little cube and you are going to stay all night in your have to until you do exactly what I ask you to do, or so help me God, I will find someone else who CAN do it!'"

"Now, no one knows exactly what happened next. But some of the late night stragglers who heard the manager's tirade claim that as soon as he was finished. Phil took off his glasses, cleaned them off with the corner of his shirt that was still untucked, put his glasses back on and closed all of the blinds in the manager's office that faced the rest of the room. What came from the room after that was a thunderous crash, and a high pitched shriek. The door flew open and the manager bolted out of the room with glass shards in his hair, bleeding profusely from his face screaming, 'CALL SECURITY! CALL SECURITY!'  Witnesses then claim that they saw Phil calmly walk out of the office, blood spattered about his shirt and hands. He held a letter opener in his right hand, now stained with blood. Phil calm and happy expression was lost to a visage one person could only describe as berserk"

"Phil brow furrowed, scrunching his eyebrows into a wide arches. His teeth gnarled and, according to one person, appeared sharp and pointed. His skin, once pale and fair, now red and scaly. His slick hair now flailed wildly about his head and danced of its own accord. Phil marched towards the cowering manager, 'sure thing, Sure Thing, SURE THING!' Phil continued to chant these two words over and over and the volume of his voice continued to climb until he was shrieking."

"Phil destroyed everything in his path to get to the manager, who was now scrambling for the elevator. He turned over cubicle walls, hurled the office printer, overturned desks but was still marching at a steady pace. Not once did Phil's gate increase in speed. The elevator doors finally opened and the manager quickly darted inside. And as he was frantically pounding on the door close button, Phil's arm thrust inside the cabin as the doors were closing. The manager let out a girlish cry for help, and then..."

Thomas, now sitting on the edge of his seat, blinked "Yeah?"

"Well," Frank continued, "Security hauled him away. The folks that stuck around for the whole ordeal say that they've never heard Phil use any profanity, ever. But on that day, they heard curse words so vile, that they almost sounded like they were in some form of ancient tongue, some demonic language. Only be the grace of God was Security able to restrain Phil. As the paddywagon rolled up into the office building drive, witnesses noticed three things. First, that Phil was kicking and screaming the entire time, and was hardly recognizable. Second, that the manager couldn't stop crying. And thirdly, and the most bizarre, was they realized what made the thunderous crash in the manager's office. The six-hundred pound marble desk, the manager's prize possession, now lay in pieces outside the office window."

"So that's it? What happened after that? There had to have been a trial?" Thomas exclaimed.

"Oh there was a trial, but Phil was deemed mentally unstable to serve trial, so he was committed to the State Hospital over in Brookfield. And everything died down and returned to normal. The manager was brought into see corporate and he was actually let go because not only did the security cameras record what Phil did to the manager and the office, but they also recorded the manager's outburst on Phil that caused him to snap in the first place."

"Just desserts. I say!" Thomas commented. Kirby just shook his head as he started to clean up his empty containers.

"Well here's real punchline. And this I got from Sally Boyd over there at CompuTools, she used to be the manager's admin. After the manager was let go, he was cleaning out his, temporary desk, and to pass the time he had the radio on. The manager left his office for a moment to get some more boxes. As he returned back to his office, she heard on the radio announce 'Phil Kerbson, committed to Brookfield State Hospital on Monday was discovered missing from his cell earlier today'. The manager froze in horror. And as Sally turned around to see the manager's expression, the door violently slammed in her face, knocking her backwards onto the ground.

An:  to be continued...