Random Book of Randomness

If I Only Could

You know, people often say to you, 'You don't understand until you've gone through it.'

I knew eventually I'd have to face the facts with these words. I've had people deal with loose before, and I knew eventually I'd have too also. I knew to be ready for that moment, that moment where it'll all hit.

And still it hurts, it hurts so much. But, there is nothing I can do or say to make it better, relief is temporary. But the gravity hits again. I wish so much it wasn't real, it wasn't happening, that I was just in a nightmare like always. It's not, it's reality, and now I'm face with the choices in front of me that I knew i'd have to face eventually.

I don't know where to start, i'm still so afraid, but I can't run away any more.

I suppose that's how you normally feel when you loose a family member. I love my dad so much guys, and writing this now sitting near the place where he'd sit outside and gaze at the nighttime yard. The moments I sat with him and listened to him preach to me. I used to dislike it, but now I find myself missing it so much.

Knowing when I wake up, he won't be there to take me to school or work, to rush me out the door in a joking manner. The talks we had on the way there, the joking, me calling him a 'nut' him bantering back calling me a 'fruit cake'. 

Curling up next to him when it got cold outside, listening to the soft heartbeat and him breathing. Letting me know he was real and still there. It's all gone, and I'll never get it back.

It's also not easy when your not as religious as your family, but faking it is easy enough for their sake. Playing big sister, taking on the role as the eldest now and knowing I have much more responsibility than before.

I lost a part of me, a part in a machine that made this place work. Now we need to pull out the pieces and remake again. 

I take comfort in knowing I said I loved him, and was there for him. That moment will take in my moment, along with the moment I last saw him doing his normal routine. I loved him so much, and he's gone. 

Will I be okay? Possibly not for a while, or ever.

Will I get by? Yeah, eventually, and I'll give it my best shot. 

I don't think it'll ever be okay, but  I can certainly try. I have friends on here and in my real life. I have family also. I need time and space, I need to heal, but I'll get there. 

For now, I'm on Temporary Hiatus, I'm reachable by PM, but that's it.

 Don't expect much else, I might comment now and then, but I just want time guys. And thanks for any support your sending, it means alot. 

I will update my stories, promise guys, but I just need a few weeks. Just know I love all of you taking the time to read this, for reading my stories and sticking with my choppy updating. 

With all my love to you ~ Jade