Yes. It did feel good.
It felt good to know that I was in control.
It felt good to know I was loosing weight, knowing practacly everyone wants to even if they don't need to.
It felt good to starved knowing fat and weight will be lost.
As for the people I frightened, I didn't care about them and I don't think I do now. Am I proud of myself? No will I do it again? I don't know.
When people made comments to me, it is true that I felt agitated, and I still do now, given the fact that I hate talking about it. Sometimes they can be asswholes about it, sometimes there not. But one thing is for certain is that no one will understand but me and the people like me.
You will never how my disorder feels like a drug. A drug that feels good for reasons that are unexplainable to many. But not to me.
It felt good not to be like everyone else. It felt good to think of the possibility that people who didn't talk to me would suddenly notice me.
It felt good to feel like I deserved to eat those meals that my family shoved in my face. It felt good, even though it was so very bad.
Now that they know I only feel guilty and agitated. Slightly ashamed but not too much. I could have been tubed. I could of stayed in a hospital. I could have died. But I didn't. I am here.
I am here typing words on a screen hoping to come to terms with everything.
No one should be like me. I had no idea I would become the person that I am. I had no idea that something so bad would feel so good to me.
I am not better. I am still blind a little. I am defensive and sometimes deny that my actions are bad. Will I be like this forever? I don't know. Will I try? I don't know. Whatever the future holds is in my hands. I could either waste it, or spend time typing words on a screen to fill it with wonder and possibility.
Did it feel good?
Right now yes. In the future however, maybe I'll realize that no such thing could have made me suffer more. But maybe instead of living in my past, I'll learn from it, and create stories that people can learn from in my future.
YOU ARE READING
Did it feel good?
Short StoryPART 1: This is all about how people wonder why people with an eating disorder find it so addictive to do this horrible thing to themselves PART 2: I myself have an E.D and I have been asked a lot of questions and I mostly try to avoid them because...
