My not-so-secret Crush

My crush.

Dear boy I loved,

It all started when a boy, who I didn't know about before, failed all his classes and had to repeat 8th grade. I was the shy girl of the class, he was the class clown. He was friends with almost everybody, and I would talk only to 3-4 people including the teachers. I knew from the moment I met him that I was in trouble.

You know when your friends tell you that he's so ugly they can't believe you actually like him? Well, that was my case. But I didn't just like how he looked, I was in love with his mind and personality. I loved his eyes, hair, smile, how he dressed and how he expressed himself. I just wanted him for myself so bad.

At that time I wouldn't understand why he didn't like me, but looking back now as I'm writing this, I understand. It wasn't just a cute little crush, I was a stalker. And everybody knew I liked him, even he knew, and he would joke around and play with my feelings telling me "I do like you...as a friend". Of course he thought it was funny, because his feelings didn't get hurt.

I remember when I officially declared my feelings to him, I sent him a letter expressing how I felt with a song. If you're hispanic you might've heard it. It's called Para tu amor by Juanes, beautiful song with beautiful feelings.

"For your love, I have everything.

From my blood to the essence of my being

And for your love that is my treasure

I have my whole life at your feet

And I also have a heart that dies to give love

And a heart that doesn't know the end of beating for you"

But this is real life, I wasn't the Lara Jean to his Peter Kavinsky as I thought. He laughed in my face with his friends and continued with his life like my letter was never written or delivered to him. If I could go back I would slap my 13 year old self in the face and yell "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" 

Now I know my love letter was so pathetic and stupid, I could've saved the embarrassment. But you know what's worse than your crush laughing in your face? When your "friends" turn your back on you, join the laughter, and act like nothing happened. 

You tore my heart apart when you called me friend. I had the image of you laughing in my face stuck in my mind. I understand that I was annoying and intense, but that's not something you should ever do to anyone. I hope you now know that what your reaction was really hard to watch. 

This letter is to you, my crush. I sometimes wish I never would've met you, but thank you for giving me my first heartbreak and for teaching me that pathetic boys like you are not worth my time. 

With love, the shy and annoying stalker from class.