Dear the First Guy Who Broke My Heart

#ToAllTheBoysContest

Your memory takes me to such a dark place. To the days I would have to constantly avoid your eyes everywhere. To the days I wanted to become a nun in order to avoid heart break again. To the first moment we caught eyes after our break up and it felt like yours were empty and emotionless. To all the nights I had to cry myself to sleep wondering why we ended and what I could've done differently.

To the days I had to learn how to become a stranger to you again and pretend we never existed. Like we didn't know each other's secrets or every child hood story we could remember. As if we never spent all those nights on call till five in the morning. Pretend we never told each other our deepest secrets and mistakes and loved each other more because of them. As if you never wrote me love letters and I didn't do the same. Or act as though we were never best friends before our relationship.

This isn't a love letter. It's more like a hate one. I finally understand why you ended things. Why you texted me that we were a mistake and you were ending things because you loved me and then never spoke to me again. I finally understand it all, and I wish I didn't.

I understand someone broke your heart and turned you into snow, so perfect yet so cold. She caused you to lose faith in love and happiness. You became happy, and then, your self destructive button turned on, ruining the relationship with the one person who truly appreciated you for who you were.

People said not to get my hopes up or I'd get disappointed. But when I loved you, I expected you to be worth loving, and then, one day you never spoke to me again. So I'm here to say I forgive you. Even though you've never apologized. Even though we will probably never speak again. I'm here to say I understand good people do bad things.

After everything you put me through, I've changed and become even stronger. I'm cautious, and I'll never love as unlimited as I did for you, but it's okay. I'm stronger, and I have you to thank for that.

And you might want to act as if we never existed, but just because we finished our chapter doesn't mean we never wrote it. And just because we ran out of wax doesn't mean the flame never burned so vibrantly. And just because you broke my heart doesn't mean you never made it whole.

So I guess I lied; this is a love letter. But not to you. It's for me. And I love and respect myself enough to let you go and forgive you. I hope you will be happy.

Love,
Me.

P.S. I do know everything you did but never told me—everything you thought I'd never find out. And I still forgive you for it.