Poetry poetry poetry

My Sin

I must soon declare my own war on their war
I must hold to my last piece of ground
I must protect the small space I have made that has allowed me to live

Oh, what silly thoughts these are

A world devoid of love
A world devoid of color   

I can't escape the overwhelming hatred that resides deep within
I can't imagine a life of happiness when all I've seen is a life of hostility, sex, violence

My life means nothing to the people that know me
And to the people that don't
My life is nothing but an insignificant speck of dust
Wandering through life with no purpose, no home, no love

No one would care if someone like me happened to pass away
No one would even notice

It's not like anyone loves me anyway

I cry now when I think of all the struggles that you went through
Did you really think like this?
Where you so entangled in spits of sadness that you couldn't see that I was always here for you?

I walk besides your footprints, I sit where you used to sit just trying to understand what you were thinking

So much homework
So much pressure to be number one

Colleges
Universities
No fun
I can't be myself
Lock her away
Be a robot
Be a machine

I have to succeed!

I should have known
The signs were so clear

All our jokes, all our laughter and cheer
It was never real

You were always so scared
Scared that we would find out
Scared that we wouldn't accept you
Scared that we would shun you

I see it now

I now see the truths of your actions
Oh, how good of an actor you were

When you were dancing, you were in pain
When you were smiling, you were faking it
When you were laughing, you were forcing it

Was any of it real?

You were hurting inside
You were terrified of tomorrow
You never knew when your secret would come out
So you decided to carry that to your grave

I see that now
I see all of it now
And there is no one else to blame but you

I hate you so much
I scream daily at your pictures, demanding that you come back so I could tell you just how much I hate you
I was always here
I was always right besides you
I even loved you

But in the end that wasn't enough
I wasn't enough
I couldn't even get the chance to tell you just how much I cared for you

It's not your fault
How could it ever be your fault?
You did nothing wrong
All you ever did was ask for help
But sadly, you asked the wrong person
You asked an idiot who could never see what she wishes she would have seen all those months ago

No, it's not your fault
It was never your fault
It's mine

I should have known
If I would have known all the things that I did now, you could have still been breathing
If I would have taken all of our jokes to heart, you could have still been smiling

But I'm a fool
I can't do anything right in my life
Everything I touch just so happens to crumble to ashes

I never deserved you
You were too good for me
Way out of my league as some would say
I should have never talked to you
Maybe then you wouldn't of been addicted to my toxic personality

I started writing this poem with the hopes of telling you wherever you are that I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I never saw all the secrets that you kept hidden deep inside of you for so long
I'm sorry that I never saw the slight quiver of your smile
I'm sorry that I never saw the lost expression in your eyes
I'm sorry for not being your friend

I realize now that the phrase "I'm sorry" is a luxury to say
This phrase is used only when you have committed a mistake
A mistake that is easily fixable
A mistake that is easily forgivable
But alas, my good friend, I haven't committed a mistake
No, no, no, no
I have commited a sin

This is my sin, and I deserve to suffer
I just only hope that when I see you next, you can at least bear to look at me
Your forever best friend