You Drive Me Insane (But I Like It)

Chapter 19

We carried on eating and gradually the band members drifted away to finish packing ready to leave. Eventually it was just me, Maddie and Dave. Dave looked at his watch then he looked at me. "Have you seen Taylor this morning?"

"Yeah, he was awake when I left him." Then I blushed realising what I'd just said and Dave grinned.

"Fucking idiot has probably gone back to sleep. I better go and wake him or he won't get chance to eat before we leave. I'll see you ladies later." he said as he rose from the table. Again I watched as he smiled at Maddie before he left the room.

Maddie and I finished our coffee and then headed back to our room to pack.

Taylor's POV

I lay under the covers for what felt like forever. I couldn't believe I'd been such an idiot. What the fuck did I think I was doing letting someone fall in love with me? What the fuck was I doing starting to fall in love myself? There was no way I could make this work. I hadn't managed last time, she left me and took the kids, why would this be any different? I was still the same person after all. I couldn't handle being hurt like that again. I wasn't going to let it happen.

I threw back the covers and climbed out of bed. I couldn't think about this anymore. I was fucking driving myself insane. I needed to pack. It was time to move on, I thought but I wasn't sure if it was just this city I needed to move on from.

I was grabbing clothes and hurling them into my bag, taking my temper out on them when there was a knock on the door. I froze. What if it was Emily? I wasn't going to answer it. I couldn't talk to her right now. I had no idea what I wanted to say. I held my breath waiting for whoever it was to go away. There was another knock and I heard Dave's voice call out "Taylor! Get up you lazy fucker."

"I'm up now - fuck off" I called back to him. I didn't want to talk to him either. In fact I didn't want to talk to anyone.

For a moment it was quiet and I began to hope he'd actually gone away but then there was another knock. "Taylor what's going on?" he called a hint of concern in his voice.

"Nothing I'm fine. I'm packing, ok."

"You missed breakfast. You never miss breakfast."

"Yeah well I'm not hungry. Just fuck off Dave and leave me alone."

"Taylor open the fucking door man. I'm not leaving until you do." I sighed. I knew from the tone of his voice he meant it. Slowly I walked across the room, opened the door, then turned my back on him and walked back to my packing.

I heard him come in and close the door behind him. "So what's wrong?" he asked.

I didn't look at him, I focused my attention on my bag. "Nothing. I told you I'm not hungry that's all."

"Taylor, I've know you too fucking long to believe that crap. Now tell me what's going on."

There was silence for a minute and then it just came out. "She said she loved me!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed "So Emily loves you. That's great news."

"Is it?!" I turned on him "Why is it? What makes you think I can make this last? I screwed it up last time, why will this be any different? I can't do it Dave. I can't fucking do that again."

By now he was across the room and stood right in front of me. He placed his hands on my shoulders and almost shook me. "Shut the fuck up man and listen to me. You didn't screw it up last time. She left you and to this day I have no idea why but you did nothing wrong. And Emily is not Alison. You can't run forever man, you have to let someone in. You deserve to be happy and she makes you happy. I can see that. So let her. Three words don't really change anything. They're just words."

"But they're not just words are they? They fucking change everything."

"Why? Have your feelings changed since yesterday?"

"Well no...."

"Have hers...?"

"I don't think so..."

"Exactly so why are you panicking now. Nothing has changed."

"I know but I didn't realise how serious this is yesterday and now I do. So yeah, now everything has changed. I can't fucking do this man." By now I could hardly breathe I was so panicked.

Dave pulled me to him and hugged me. "For fucks sake man. You can do this and I will be here every step of the way to help you. Just don't fucking ruin it just because you're scared." He took my shoulders, held me at arms length and fixed me with an intense stare.  "You need to seriously think about this before you do something you'll regret. This does not have to end like last time. This is different and sometimes you just have to take a chance so you can be happy. Fucking take the risk man. You know it's what you want if you just think about it."

The tension I felt throughout my body drained away and I felt weak. I sank down onto the bed,  sighed and put my head in my hands. I knew he was right. I knew Emily wasn't Alison and I was being unfair treating her like this. She did make me happy and part of me really did want to let go and take that risk just like Dave said. But there was another part of me that was screaming for me to run away and I really wasn't sure which part of me was going to win.