That was the first time I thought about suicide. Staring up at the sky in warm water, naked with my crush who was also naked. You'd think it was the best day of my life but at that time, it felt like hell collapsing on top of me because I knew I could never have him. No matter how much I loved him, he could never be mine.
It felt like hours (probably because it was) we spent in the lake. Me floating and him swimming. I got tired of it and swam to the edge where our tent was. My clothes had dried in the sun but I didn't take them yet. I went to my bag and got out a towel, rubbing me dry all over before going back and getting my clothes, putting them on. I went back to the tent and made a blazing fire which would keep us warm this evening and the night, steadily putting more wood under it to keep it running and going. I watched the fire, my eyes not being able to avert from it and so I just stared at it. The flames had something calming yet something aggravating in them. They moved my insides so much I could barely contain my emotions. It felt heartwarming yet just making me seethe with anger. Anger towards what? My feelings, my family, anger against humanity even. It just felt right to hate our awful race who only wage war and destroy our environment. Just humanity's stupidity. Was that not enough to be angry about? Just plain stupidity. I began laughing, quietly at first but getting louder as time flew by. I sat there, maniacally laughing, staring at the fire and it was the first moment in a long time I truly felt at peace.
Yes I know what people may think right now. He's insane. I may be insane but what is that in the face of a mad world? A mere hump; a wart. If people would ever tell my story I'd rather die on this battlefield in infamy instead of rising up to the occassion. I'd rather be remembered as a villain in death, just like how people viewed me when I was alive. With hate. Kind words just aren't meant for me.
I just kept on laughing, watching the fire as my mind just collapsed right there. I didn't know why it did but at that moment I was happy in a sense. I just felt at peace with my mind. Maybe because it was just breaking apart and I didn't mind my mind right there since my thoughts seemed gone. Just pure nirvana. A place where I was at peace with everything. Calming, yet somehow unsettling.
--
"Patrick?" Nick had yelled it at me. Me laughing so maniacally must've gotten him out of the water as he stood before me naked. "Everything alright?"
"I'm fine."
With that I stopped laughing, my thoughts collecting back again.
--
A few minutes later we both sat there, on opposite sides of the fire, my legs up against my body. Despite it being nearly summer it began getting cold so I put another piece of wood into the fire. "So, wanna talk about it?" "About what?" I really didn't feel like talking about anything that had happened that week. Not the race. Not the silence towards me and certainly not the laughter from just moments ago. "You know damn well about what." "I don't want to talk about it." I gave him a sterner look than usually, signalizing him that I really didn't want to talk about anything. He looked at me over the fire before getting up and sitting next to me. "Pat you need help. Help beyond what I can offer as your best friend." My hands tightened their grasp on my legs as he said it. "Best friend." I felt the urge to tell him stronger than ever before, feeling as if I had to get it out or I'd die. "Nick can I ask you something?" "Huh? Sure." I didn't know what drove me but I moved one of my hands on the back of his head and the other on his chest. "Am I sick?" My eyes began getting watery as small tears moved down my chubby cheeks. "Maybe a little." I still didn't know what came over me but I moved my head closer and kissed his lips gently, my chubby ones on his normal puffy ones. I held that kiss for what seemed like hours before pulling away, looking him straight into his eyes, baffled at what just had happened. "N-nick.... I....love you..."
I...I said it....I had confessed my love. It was relieving. Yes, relieving is the right word. I looked at him as I began full on crying, tears splashing down my face as he stared at me in disbelief before moving close and hugging me tightly, my tears coating his shoulders as I just hugged him and squeezed him tightly, nearly suffocating him probably as he just hugged me back. He didn't flinch, didn't pull back and didn't call me any names for it as we just got warmed by the fire. I felt even better than before as I got warmed by his body near mine more than by the fire. It was almost too good to be true yet it was all happening right there. It was real and that was the first time I felt like that. Close to real, close to normal. I finally stopped crying and he let go, still baffled at the sudden kiss but looking at me with understanding eyes. "Patrick why didn't you tell me sooner?" He blurted out the words, not knowing what exactly to say. Atleast I thought it sounded that way at that moment. "I....I was scared....scared you wouldn't want to be friends anymore...scared you wouldn't understand....scared what they'd say about both of us...." I looked at him, the remaining tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. "Patrick I.....I like you as a friend... I just....don't see us that way..." He knew how shitty I felt all the time, especially the last few days and it was hard on him obviously as he said out what I feared. "Patrick we can't be together. I understand how you feel....but we....can't work out." I didn't know what I was to say just like him after I had kissed him so suddenly. I just sat there and stared at him for some time before nodding weakly with the words: "I understand." We awkwardly sat there for a few minutes before I finally got up and went into the tent, going inside my sleeping bag and curling up a little.
What an idiot I was. Of course he didn't like me that way. He was straight and quite handsome for the girls and what was I? A chubby gay guy. I realized again that feeling I felt near the fire. My mind collapsing as I quietly laughed myself to sleep.
A different view
Start from the beginning
