looking back

The Train

I wouldn't call it a great day, but I've seen worse so I'll live. I'd jus gotten 3hours of sleep last night. Since college ended I got back to my old routine of sleeping in late and waking up by noon that quite didn't fit with my schedule today. To top it off I had an interview in.."shit I'm late!" My mom jus ignored me and kept her day going. Too used to, to comment on it. I ran like a headless chicken, I felt like a headless chicken and the little amount of rest didn't help. I rushed out to get the 8.30 bus. It was an hour journey so I dozed off a little and made it on time. I was a nervous wreck. I hated being this insecure and having the least of confidence in myself. I still managed to put on a facade as usual and told myself to get it over with.
....

I wasn't happy with the interview. It'd been my first one so far. 1st official interview. So I let it slide. But it wasn't easy to cope with the anxiety going on for the past couple of months. On my way back I promised mom I would pick up some groceries. So I decided to take the train back home. The train jus started a couple of years back in the city and all the routes aren't connected yet. to reach home I had to change trains. But I boarded the wrong one and realized it at the next station. All morning I kept zoning out and I blamed it on my sleep or lack of it.
I got off at the next station to catch"the right train' back. It was then that I noticed him. The train was crowded and he was standing next to the door with earplugs on. The crowd didn't help my anxiety, though I wasn't having an anxiety attack I seemed to be on the edge. Jus looking around waiting for my station to arrive my eyes fell on him and I felt I was being washed over with happiness. It was wierd. I kept staring at him dramatically. It was then he looked up and caught me looking or staring. I looked away blushing, being caught. I tried to look like I was enjoying the view outside. The point that it was an underground railroad didn't help one bit. I could see my reflection on the windshield and that didn't help. I gave a small smile and thought about the absurdity of the situation, a bitter laugh like things could even happen. I pushed back those thoughts and decided to just live the next 5 minute ride before I got off the train and never see him again. Seeming like it was just a coincidence that I glanced at him again, which was anything but that. I looked again even though he wasn't looking at me. His eyes spoke volumes, it held mischief excitement and a twinkle I haven't seen in a while not particularly in anyone. I felt the sense of calm take over me. But also a bitter sweet sadness of the situation that nothing is going to happen. It could, provided I was brave and confident enough to make a move. But I wasn't and that wasn't going to change in seconds. It wasn't a movie scene and I wasn't role playing. I still looked at him knowing I wouldn't get a second glance not even a 1st glance most times. He caught me looking a couple of times. He smirked a little at that probably being smug about being checked out by some random girl on the train. My subconscious wanted to make a move. She gave me confidence and motivated me to go and get his number maybe. I stayed put at my place. I couldn't move. My past experiences told me otherwise than my subconscious at that point. My past won. I tried to usher out to the door the one opposite him. It was time to get off, my station was here. I gave a subtle glance at him again. he wasn't looking at me. I gave a small smile and walked off. My brain practically yelling me to go back and talk to him. But I didn't. As the train left the station I looked at something that was beautiful even if it was just for 10 minutes or so. I walked off with a smile, though I wasn't having the best of days. I might never get the job or cross paths with him again. I felt a tad bit better. That didn't mean I didn't think about the screwed up interview or couple of other things I had in mind for the rest of the day. I did think. A lot. But a feeling that it's not the end of the world and I'd be okay sounded good to me at the thought of him. For the next couple of days a lot of things might change but not his face my head when my eyes 1st landed on him. That will remain as I engrave it in my mind searching for the same calm to drown me again. I felt like a vampire living off of blood of people. And I was okay with that. After all it isn't going to cost him anything.

Have a nice day.