Confessions

Thoughts for 8/16

I had a thought today. Very interesting thought it was. I thought today why do I try so hard? I think in life we try to please those around us so that we receive there approval. Is it not normal to desire love and approval? We put ourselves through extraordinary pain, and torment to make those closest to us happy. I for example have spent the past 2 years of my life desperately trying to be a different person than I actually am to please the man I fell in love with 2 years ago. He fell in love with a lie, and I have gotten in so deep that I can't get myself out. The saddest part? Sometimes I don't even want to... most of the time when I fight with him, or he yells I call my sister, and cry to her for hours about my problems, but she stopped listening to me years ago. I would call my parents, but both of them are dead. My brothers? Passed away, or are to drunk to even pick up the phone. I'm all alone in this world, and yet I'm not. I'm surrounded by people every day. When I walk on campus to go to school I am greeted by the receptionist. When I go to the grocery store to pick up dinner for me, and my boyfriend I smile at the florist who I went to primary school with. I smile at the lady who serves me my coffee at 5:20 in the morning heated to the perfect temperature so I can drink it right away, and function the rest of the day. I sit here in my bed writing this after working a 17 hour shift, and look at my walls filled with photos, and I swear to god I have never felt more alone. More isolated. More worthless. My life is a lie. Who I am is a lie. I lie, and lie to protect myself, and the ones I love, because I don't want to loose anyone else. I don't want to hurt anymore than I already do everyday. There is only so much pain one person can take without loosing there mind, and I balance on that line every day.... and sometimes I wonder... I think... is that even worth it? Walking that line? What would happen if I jumped? If I cut all my ties, and walked in the sunlight for once, let myself eat an ice cream cone? Wear fuzzy pajamas, got myself a manicure, smiled at the cute deli boy? What would happen to me... to the world... to the pain, and the darkness...? Would they be worse.... or god forbid? Would they maybe go away for a minute.............. god........ I wonder........