Finding Me (A Joe Sugg / ThatcherJoe Fanfiction)

Chapter Twenty-Two

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Hours turned into days and I still haven't told Joe. My mind was racing with thoughts on how he would react. Who knows, maybe Joe would dump me. During the few days of being a cancer-patient, my perspective has changed. Every little thing Joe did for me, whether it was bring me food or give me a towel while I showered, brought me almost to tears. How was I supposed to carry on in life pretending everything was okay when it really wasn't? More importantly, how would my family react? I know I haven't been thinking a lot about them and I've been focusing on Joe a lot, but my family is the most important thing with Joe being a close second. How would my mom react to the fact that I have cancer, just like dad? I could never bring myself to that level to be the one to tell her that I'm going to die, just like dad did. Every move I made from the hospital on I kept a close inspection to, I did not exercise as much as I did, and I rarely left the house. Joe knew there was something wrong but I just kept telling him that I wanted to spend as much time as I could with Layla, which was true, but it wasn't the complete truth. I wish I could just go out into the middle of the street and yell, "I HAVE CANCER!" and wait for somebody to take care of me. But in reality, I relied on myself and on Caspar to keep me sane for awhile until I built up enough courage to tell Joe and my family. In the showers, instead of thinking, I evaluate my life and what I could do better or forget, which always ended up with me crying in tune of the water hitting the floor. My days and nights gave me a teary face with nothing I could do about it except cry more. Maybe I was taking my crying to far, but if you knew you were going to die, you would cry too.
Tonight I did something that I haven't done in quite awhile, and I wasn't sure how it would go over... I prayed. I don't know who hears my prayers- God? Is he even there? I kneeled against Joe's bed in private and I just stayed there; perfectly still.
"Hi God, it's me, Marilyn. I know I haven't done this in a long time... Heck, I haven't gone to church since Dad died, but you already knew that," I shrugged my shoulders. This was going nowhere. "Well I just wanted to know if you could help me... I don't ask for a lot and my life has pretty much fallen apart since I graduated high school, but I just need some slack. I need some courage God. I need courage to tell my family and Joe about the situation I've been placed in. It's not my place to question why you gave me cancer, I know... But I need answers. Why God? Have I done something bad to you? If so, I am so sorry. I truly didn't mean it. I know that I had premarital sex and that's against your rules and stuff, but Joe means a lot to me. He is like my little British family. Just me and him. I know you probably hate me for thinking that's okay, and that's probably why you punished me with my cancer, but that's okay. I forgive you and I know you'll forgive me. That's what my pastor always told me, 'God is good all the time, all the time God is good'. And trust me, I know you're good, you brought Joe into my life..." I started crying now because I just became super emotional and I didn't know what else to do besides cry. These one on one sessions with God really opened me up on a spiritual level and I felt like I could just say what I was thinking. "Anyways, I need to tell everyone soon. But I'm so worried that they will be sad and want to comfort me and leave their lives. That's not what I want. I want them to think of me as a normal person who has to go to radiation and whatnot. I want them to see me as normal. I don't want Joe to quit YouTube and I don't want my family to worry about me. I worry about them more than I worry about myself. See God, I don't care about dying. I really don't. I know it's in your plan... But I worry about Mom and Layla.. I worry about Joe," I wiped my eyes and started breathing very quickly, like I was having another panic attack. "I want them to live normal lives after I die, if it's in your plan if I die. I mean, trust me, I want to live more than anything and have a family with Joe because you know what God... When you brought me Joe, you sent an angel, a real life angel. He's the one, I know that's crazy to say, but he's the one I want to have a family with," I smiled and shook my head. I heard the door creak a little bit and I looked back to see Joe peek his head in and smile. He is so beautiful. "So God, please give me courage. Amen," I whispered standing up to greet Joe at the door.
"What where you doing honey?" He kissed me.
"I thought I lost an earring, but I found it!" I lied looking at him very emotionally.
"Baby, have you been crying, what's wrong you look like you're going to cry," he pulled me into a hug.
"Well I thought I lost my earring, so I started crying... And I look like that now because I'm just so stressed with being in the hospital last week..." I said into his chest. He laid his head on my head.
"Dr. Clifford called the house today, he wants to see you tomorrow. I think he might have the results we've been waiting for!" Joe pulled away from me and kissed my nose.
"I hope it's good news!" I hugged him back. Once we were in the embrace I frowned. How would I work up the courage now?
"It will be good news! I mean you're healthy and beautiful, there is no way it's bad news!" He rubbed my hair and pulled back, "do you want to go to that ice cream parlor down the street?"
"Yeah," I smiled. Ice cream makes everything better, even cancer.
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Did I have to watch what I eat? C'mon Marilyn, you're being a little ridiculous. I ordered my usual, two scoops of mocha.
"So babe, how's your day so far?" Joe asked as we sat at our usual table.
"It's been fine, how about yours?" I asked shoving in mouthful of ice cream.
"Been good, I've been editing some new gaming videos. Do you want to do another video together?" He asked eating spoonful of ice cream. I spit my ice cream out of my mouth because this day could not get any worse, but it just did.
"You could've said no," he said wiping his shirt off of some remnants of my ice cream and spit.
"Joe it's not that I don't want to do a video, it's just that I feel like I've been getting worse since the doctors," I said truthfully. In fact, I did feel that way.
"Why? Do we have to go back?" He asked worriedly. This is why I don't want to tell him.
"No, I'm going tomorrow remember. I'll tell Dr. Clifford I've been feeling sick and he'll give me some meds or something," I looked down at the little table we were sitting at and I wiped my mouth.
"Are you sure you can wait?" He asked looking into my soul. Seriously, his eyes bored into my soul.
"Yes, don't worry," I laughed it off. But instead, I was actually worried. I wasn't lying when I told him I felt really bad after I got out of the hospital, I still do. Dr. Clifford had told me that patients with this type of cancer only get side effects if it's in the advanced stage. So my nerves have really been screwing with me lately. But, along with all the bad, Dr. Clifford also said that 25% of patients have these cancerous tumors that infect other soft tissue. So, I have that going for me. I was just a wreck.
"Please don't lie to me," he said seriously. He grabbed my hand from across the table and rubbed circles along the top of my hand.
"Joseph, I'll be okay," I said in a half smile. I was unsure of how to react because I didn't truly know if I was going to be okay or not. I had to be strong for Joe.
"I know you will," he squeezed my hand and we got up to go back home.
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"Are my two angels home yet!" Caspar yelled from upstairs as soon as we entered.
"We just got home Cas," Joe yelled. Caspar and Layla came down to greet us with pizza shoved in their faces.
"You guys are so cute together. I'm so happy you guys got together," Layla hugged Joe. I blushed and hugged her after she finished hugging Joe.
"We will be brother in laws Joe," Caspar said goofily. I shook my head and Joe shook his in sync with mine. We both laughed and we walked upstairs.
"So do you guys want to do couple things with us?" Layla asked wrapping an arm around Caspar's skinny waist.
"Like what?" I asked curious. To be honest, this could be fun.
"Like... Cards Against Humanity?" She winked at me because she knows that's my weakness. I jumped up and down and screamed.
"Hell yes!" I said.
"We can do a video about this," Joe told Caspar, they both nodded in agreement and brought out their cameras.
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"Hi everybody," Joe said into the camera, "if you can't tell I'm with Marilyn, my beautiful girlfriend!"
"Hi," I said shyly into the camera.
"Hi guys! It's Caspar Lee with my new girlfriend Layla, isn't she the most beautiful!" Caspar kissed Layla on camera and she blushed and waved.
"Alright, so today we are going to play Cards Against Humanity with our girlfriends... This should be interesting," Joe said looking a little worried. He should be worried.

"So what did Joe eat for dinner tonight?" I asked out loud using a card we made. Soon everybody put in their cards. I shuffled them so I couldn't tell who put in what.
"So Joe ate... Necrophilia for dinner tonight," I laughed so hard I snorted and Joe just shrugged his shoulders.
"Joe ate... Michelle Obamas Arms for dinner tonight," I laughed at this one as well.
"Joe ate... Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II for dinner tonight," I covered my mouth to suppress giggles. Tonight's video was definitely going to be a funny one.
"So, as the winner... I think Joe ate Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth for dinner tonight," I said holding up the card. Layla slowly extended her arm to grab the card she rightfully earned.
"I'm not going to argue with that, she was a sexy lady," Joe said shrugging his shoulders. I shook my head in agreement. Today definitely added an extra something to live for. I had to live for my family and for Joe, but also for all Joe's fans and friends. If something were to happen with me Joe would be so miserable and so would his career. I had to stay strong for them. I knew I would get through this. This is just a test from God seeing if I was strong enough. And, I am.